Hello my junior cosmologists. How is everyone fairing in the drunken slug-fest that is Mercury Retrograde? Only 1 more week-ish till we can send emails, schedule meetings and ride the subway without a full on sh*tshow explosion or cosmic meltdown.
Is it me, or is existence like SUPER charged this week? Has any one else felt suddenly motivated to start a running regimen, weed through unhealthy addictions, finish writing that novella they started last year or grab up a new job opportunity after months of hemming and hawing at your current cube?
Well you can blame all that discipline and direction on dear old Saturn, who is now punch-questing his way through the sky in direct motion.
By now you should all know what RETROGRADE vs. DIRECT motion is. Although we always seem to talk about Mercury being retro, that’s only because he’s such a loud, flaming, hot mess when he goes backwards and all the other planets have to make sure he gets home from the party without getting stabbed or ending up in Pelham.
The other planets in Retro motion have a more subtle stance, and depending on where they are chillin in your chart, you will more-or-less spend several months reconsidering recent developments.
Saturn retro had everyone auditing their lives since Feb 18th, (except Geminis who started and sort of half finished last week,) like bean-counting Capricorns. Now he’s got all his sh*t together and is ready to blaze forth into new Scorpio territory. Think of it as BDSM, only the “S” stands for “Saturn”, and it will until 2015.
“Big Icy” will either a) Paddle slap you into the next level or b) gleefully hack away at outmoded and irrelevant hangovers from your previous incarnations, depending all upon how resistant you are to what’s gotta go.
IT’s all about REALITY folks. Saturn does NOT forgive us our illusions kindly when he is in direct motion. And like the camera adding 10 lbs, the whole world is going to know it.
So, sit back, relax and read your SATURN in SCORPIO DIRECT horoscopes, the REALITY TV version, which are best if used by March 2014 (at which point, even they will be irrelevant.)
ARIES: STRANGE ADDICTION Dearest Ram, you are not the most “introspective” of the Zodiac Zoo, but most definitely you have been considering some deep dark matter since early this year. Was it a secret addiction to sniffing baby powder (ugh TLC ruined my life)? Or maybe a gnawing hidden desire to try out being a plushie? Or possibly you have been slowly coming to terms with your tendency to bury the bodies of your exes (metaphorically, Queen Be does not condone murder) without acknowledging sadness (whuts that)? Well, you probably have a clue and thanks to big Daddy Saturn, now you are ready to fire bomb it into oblivion and move on like it never happened.
TAURUS: REAL HOUSEWIVES – I don’t envy you, Taurus (and I really shouldn’t, because whatever area Saturn is currently sitting on for you is the one that I am up for next) Since Feb you have been tasked with matters of the heart and partnerships. That means that everyone in your life who is a potential partner suddenly had some sort of glaring red-flag that rose the mast hella quickly…. and it most definitely has NOT been entertaining. Unlike other committment-phobic signs, Taurus actually wants to get involved and STAY involved, and now you will have a (better) chance at doing so, if you are honest with what you will and will not tolerate.
GEMINI: THE BIGGEST LOSER – Everyone knows that there are 2 sides of you, Gem, and while one builds up the tower, the other removes all the bricks from the foundation and when it finally Jengas, blames the “good twin” (who takes the blame like a chump because you feel like an eternal fraud who is always about to be found out.) That’s not at all the truth, but that’s a whole nother scope, and destructo-twin is actually important and necessary at times. Good news, it’s back to building, and you can make it whatever you want because Saturn is here for the next several months to make sure that the other twin, the sabotaging one, is kept away from the construction zone. What do you want your life to look like? Now is your chance to eliminate and renovate from the ground up without needing to dedicate your energy to repairs.
CANCER: SHARK TANK If you have felt stifled “creatively” for the past half year, it’s not “everyone else in the world’s” fault, as you, dear Crab, would like to think. But the excellent news is you CAN blame Saturn, for the realist planet has been stuffing your half-ass pipe dreams down the drain, and now demands you to step up to the plate and have an actual executable idea. Same goes for your terrible taste in romantic partners, though no one is going to judge you on that, necessarily. It’s all part and parcel of you figuring out what would make you the happiest crab in the rock quarry. Once you put your claw down on it, you can continue to move forward at a painfully slow pace.
LEO: KITCHEN NIGHTMARES/EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER – Leo gets two realities this time around, #1) things just have NOT been working out on the home front. The peasants are restless, some other paeans have gotten strange ideas that THEY might actually be fit to rule instead of you (unacceptable.) Also your palace has fallen into disarray. But now Saturn (who you see as more of an advisor than a task master…. no one is in charge of you!) is here to suggest executable parties and invent a more efficient way to do so. If this is someone in your family or immediate environment, it has been a long time coming. Start your axes!
VIRGO: MYTHBUSTERS- Saturn is overhauling how you communicate in general, Virgo, including the rate and quality of information which you deliver. Since you are sort-of ruled by Mercury (only until we get you officially transferred over to wounded healer asteroid Chiron, which is much more appropriate), you have an easy flair at this. Saturn is here to structure your time, effort and cut out any communication that seems unnecessary. Will you delete facebook? Possibly.
LIBRA: THE SIMPLE LIFE oh man, Saturn had spent from 2009 -2011 in YOUR sign, which made everything about BEING YOU harder than ever (which seems a feat to begin with since you are secretly self loathing) ;( Hopefully you came out of that transit a little more confident and loving toward who you are. NOW though, Saturn has turned an eye towards your monetary value AKA how much you REALLY think you are worth. If you did well through the last transit, you have a number in mind and will not accept any less. Now is the time to have work negotiations to that effect. With Saturn on your side you will always get what you deserve and have worked for.
Scorpio: AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL Here is an excerpt from Scorpios future self’s love letter to your past self, who is existing now in the Saturn in Scorpio time that occurs once every 29 years: “And by the way, there are a lot of things about you that make you sexy, not just your hot bod, your awesome accomplishments in the world, and your ability to melt the loins of both the same and opposite sex at will. But none of that matters unless YOU love YOU for who you are. Don’t worry, past Scorpio. You did it. It just took a whole lot of purging the dark stuff to get there” Well that’s a rare glimpse, isn’t it! Keep up the good work, Saturn is here for you to make necessary cuts.
SAGITTARIUS: SURVIVOR – Nothing like being dropped in the middle of an isolated and hostile environment with nothing but your wits and resourcefulness, am I right, Sag?? Well for the past 9 months or so that’s exactly the sort of brave new world you have been exploring, only it’s all related to yourself. Does that make sense? Basically, you are the island, and you are the half horse that is galloping through it, not QUITE adventuring as you usually like to do… more-so assessing what is available to you, what is good to use for your survival, and speeding past all the rest. Saturn says now you have gathered enough to make fire and primitive tools to aid in your quest.
CAPRICORN: DANCING WITH THE STARS It’s no damn secret that Capricorn’s goshdamned birthright is to be supernova famous or well known in their chosen field, and that it will take at least 50 -60% of your life and 98% of your energy to make that happen. Cap is not allowed to coast through life… but you ARE allowed to dance through it! And choosing your partners in the spotlight is what Saturn is aiding you in doing. You always want to “pick a winner” but Saturn is good at the long overhaul, so someone or something with seeming limited potential might end up being the bigger star at the end of the show… Your job is to weed out anyone and anything that does not support your end goal, and make sure your dance card is full.
AQUARIUS: THE APPRENTICE What do you do for a living, Aquarius? That’s not just your JOB, necessarily, unless you are lucky/smart enough to get paid by what you love to do… Really, Saturn here is asking to make some serious upgrades in your living situation, because survey says you have back-burned it for quite sometime. If you have any hope of being in the public eye for what you do, don’t wait any longer. Start dipping your toes in those water. Saturn will clear you a path. You can still rely on your “day job” but you’ve got to be in it to win it.
PISCES: AMAZING RACE The world is your Oyster, Pisces, and you are too busy trying to catch lobster in shallow waters. Pull your traps up, drop them to the ground, and get your ass exploring. Saturn says it’s time to expand your horizons, learn something new, see the world. If you don’t do it now you’ll be stuck in the same wading pool for the next 29 years.