Saturn Direct – The S in BDSM – Horrorscopes – The Reality TV edition

Hello my junior cosmologists. How is everyone fairing in the drunken slug-fest that is Mercury Retrograde? Only 1 more week-ish till we can send emails, schedule meetings and ride the subway without a full on sh*tshow explosion or cosmic meltdown.

Is it me, or is existence like SUPER charged this week? Has any one else felt suddenly motivated to start a running regimen, weed through unhealthy addictions, finish writing that novella they started last year or grab up a new job opportunity after months of hemming and hawing at your current cube?

Well you can blame all that discipline and direction on dear old Saturn, who is now punch-questing his way through the sky in direct motion.

By now you should all know what RETROGRADE vs. DIRECT motion is. Although we always seem to talk about Mercury being retro, that’s only because he’s such a loud, flaming, hot mess when he goes backwards and all the other planets have to make sure he gets home from the party without getting stabbed or ending up in Pelham.

The other planets in Retro motion have a more subtle stance, and depending on where they are chillin in your chart, you will more-or-less spend several months reconsidering recent developments.

Saturn retro had everyone auditing their lives since Feb 18th, (except Geminis who started and sort of half finished last week,) like bean-counting Capricorns. Now he’s got all his sh*t together and is ready to blaze forth into new Scorpio territory. Think of it as BDSM, only the “S” stands for “Saturn”, and it will until 2015.

“Big Icy” will either a) Paddle slap you into the next level or b) gleefully hack away at outmoded and irrelevant hangovers from your previous incarnations, depending all upon how resistant you are to what’s gotta go.
IT’s all about REALITY folks. Saturn does NOT forgive us our illusions kindly when he is in direct motion. And like the camera adding 10 lbs, the whole world is going to know it.

So, sit back, relax and read your SATURN in SCORPIO DIRECT horoscopes, the REALITY TV version, which are best if used by March 2014 (at which point, even they will be irrelevant.)

ARIES: STRANGE ADDICTION Dearest Ram, you are not the most “introspective” of the Zodiac Zoo, but most definitely you have been considering some deep dark matter since early this year. Was it a secret addiction to sniffing baby powder (ugh TLC ruined my life)? Or maybe a gnawing hidden desire to try out being a plushie? Or possibly you have been slowly coming to terms with your tendency to bury the bodies of your exes (metaphorically, Queen Be does not condone murder) without acknowledging sadness (whuts that)? Well, you probably have a clue and thanks to big Daddy Saturn, now you are ready to fire bomb it into oblivion and move on like it never happened.

TAURUS: REAL HOUSEWIVES – I don’t envy you, Taurus (and I really shouldn’t, because whatever area Saturn is currently sitting on for you is the one that I am up for next) Since Feb you have been tasked with matters of the heart and partnerships. That means that everyone in your life who is a potential partner suddenly had some sort of glaring red-flag that rose the mast hella quickly…. and it most definitely has NOT been entertaining. Unlike other committment-phobic signs, Taurus actually wants to get involved and STAY involved, and now you will have a (better) chance at doing so, if you are honest with what you will and will not tolerate.

GEMINI: THE BIGGEST LOSER – Everyone knows that there are 2 sides of you, Gem, and while one builds up the tower, the other removes all the bricks from the foundation and when it finally Jengas, blames the “good twin” (who takes the blame like a chump because you feel like an eternal fraud who is always about to be found out.) That’s not at all the truth, but that’s a whole nother scope, and destructo-twin is actually important and necessary at times. Good news, it’s back to building, and you can make it whatever you want because Saturn is here for the next several months to make sure that the other twin, the sabotaging one, is kept away from the construction zone. What do you want your life to look like? Now is your chance to eliminate and renovate from the ground up without needing to dedicate your energy to repairs.

CANCER: SHARK TANK If you have felt stifled “creatively” for the past half year, it’s not “everyone else in the world’s” fault, as you, dear Crab, would like to think. But the excellent news is you CAN blame Saturn, for the realist planet has been stuffing your half-ass pipe dreams down the drain, and now demands you to step up to the plate and have an actual executable idea. Same goes for your terrible taste in romantic partners, though no one is going to judge you on that, necessarily. It’s all part and parcel of you figuring out what would make you the happiest crab in the rock quarry. Once you put your claw down on it, you can continue to move forward at a painfully slow pace.

LEO: KITCHEN NIGHTMARES/EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER – Leo gets two realities this time around, #1) things just have NOT been working out on the home front. The peasants are restless, some other paeans have gotten strange ideas that THEY might actually be fit to rule instead of you (unacceptable.) Also your palace has fallen into disarray. But now Saturn (who you see as more of an advisor than a task master…. no one is in charge of you!) is here to suggest executable parties and invent a more efficient way to do so. If this is someone in your family or immediate environment, it has been a long time coming. Start your axes!

VIRGO: MYTHBUSTERS- Saturn is overhauling how you communicate in general, Virgo, including the rate and quality of information which you deliver. Since you are sort-of ruled by Mercury (only until we get you officially transferred over to wounded healer asteroid Chiron, which is much more appropriate), you have an easy flair at this. Saturn is here to structure your time, effort and cut out any communication that seems unnecessary. Will you delete facebook? Possibly.

LIBRA: THE SIMPLE LIFE oh man, Saturn had spent from 2009 -2011 in YOUR sign, which made everything about BEING YOU harder than ever (which seems a feat to begin with since you are secretly self loathing) ;( Hopefully you came out of that transit a little more confident and loving toward who you are. NOW though, Saturn has turned an eye towards your monetary value AKA how much you REALLY think you are worth. If you did well through the last transit, you have a number in mind and will not accept any less. Now is the time to have work negotiations to that effect. With Saturn on your side you will always get what you deserve and have worked for.

Scorpio: AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL Here is an excerpt from Scorpios future self’s love letter to your past self, who is existing now in the Saturn in Scorpio time that occurs once every 29 years: “And by the way, there are a lot of things about you that make you sexy, not just your hot bod, your awesome accomplishments in the world, and your ability to melt the loins of both the same and opposite sex at will. But none of that matters unless YOU love YOU for who you are. Don’t worry, past Scorpio. You did it. It just took a whole lot of purging the dark stuff to get there” Well that’s a rare glimpse, isn’t it! Keep up the good work, Saturn is here for you to make necessary cuts.

SAGITTARIUS: SURVIVOR – Nothing like being dropped in the middle of an isolated and hostile environment with nothing but your wits and resourcefulness, am I right, Sag?? Well for the past 9 months or so that’s exactly the sort of brave new world you have been exploring, only it’s all related to yourself. Does that make sense? Basically, you are the island, and you are the half horse that is galloping through it, not QUITE adventuring as you usually like to do… more-so assessing what is available to you, what is good to use for your survival, and speeding past all the rest. Saturn says now you have gathered enough to make fire and primitive tools to aid in your quest.

CAPRICORN: DANCING WITH THE STARS It’s no damn secret that Capricorn’s goshdamned birthright is to be supernova famous or well known in their chosen field, and that it will take at least 50 -60% of your life and 98% of your energy to make that happen. Cap is not allowed to coast through life… but you ARE allowed to dance through it! And choosing your partners in the spotlight is what Saturn is aiding you in doing. You always want to “pick a winner” but Saturn is good at the long overhaul, so someone or something with seeming limited potential might end up being the bigger star at the end of the show… Your job is to weed out anyone and anything that does not support your end goal, and make sure your dance card is full.

AQUARIUS: THE APPRENTICE What do you do for a living, Aquarius? That’s not just your JOB, necessarily, unless you are lucky/smart enough to get paid by what you love to do… Really, Saturn here is asking to make some serious upgrades in your living situation, because survey says you have back-burned it for quite sometime. If you have any hope of being in the public eye for what you do, don’t wait any longer. Start dipping your toes in those water. Saturn will clear you a path. You can still rely on your “day job” but you’ve got to be in it to win it.

PISCES: AMAZING RACE The world is your Oyster, Pisces, and you are too busy trying to catch lobster in shallow waters. Pull your traps up, drop them to the ground, and get your ass exploring. Saturn says it’s time to expand your horizons, learn something new, see the world. If you don’t do it now you’ll be stuck in the same wading pool for the next 29 years.

Bad Moon Rising – Horrorscopes – the web abbrev edition

Wow, 2x in one month, how lucky are you? Queen Be is feeling generous and inspired by the current astro-illogical starf*cking that is about to rain fire and brimstone on all of Earth’s inhabitants. What in the World am I talking about, right? Well there’s what my friends Creedence Clearwater Revival like to call a BAD MOON RISING.

Hope you have all your things together? Hope you are quite prepared to DIE??? Definitely sounds a bit on the Evangelist bent, but consider for a moment the sweeping social changes potentially happening this week. SCOTUS is in session, considering revising the definition of marriage to include people who want to marry someone of the same gender as themselves (sometimes referred to as “Gay Marriage”) Stars say this is exactly the kind of Moon in Libra (partnership) square Pluto (change/death/grand scale transformation) event that might occur. Tempers (Mars) are flaring (has anyone noticed a RED equal sign floating around Farcebook?) and Unexpected events (Uranus) might occur. So goes the Cardinal Square-dance occurring above our heads.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I am all for it! Number two, everyone knows that Gays throw the best parties. Number three, it’s getting a little bit “separate but equal” up in this biznatch, if catch my drift, and number one: People are people, no matter who they choose to love, so let em LOVE it UP. My friend Burt Bacharach says it’s what the World needs more of. Now.

That’s just the vote I cast, without having to change my facebook profile picture.

Well, that’s the Grand scale for the USA anyway (who happens to be a Cancer, just so’s ya know)

Inter-personal sh*t show weather forecasts below, the web abbrev version.

Thank me later.

Aries: GTFO – Time to bail on whatever walled-in mental/emotional (yeah, right) or physical prison you are currently milling around in. Use that Aries PANACHE and firebomb your way through like a Bat Out of Hell. You won’t make any new friends, but certainly any that you lose had overstayed their welcome anyway.

Taurus: LOL – Good news, Taurus, while the week is sucking for most people, for you it has only an estimated 5% more suckage than your normal life. How to make that work in your favor? Try laughing maniacally, like a mad scientist. It’s good for you!

Gemini: WTF – 99.99% of the time, your mental-case status is endearing to those who have tolerated you thus far in life. Because everyone sort of loves a crazy, especially one who’s always up to join in on binge drinking. Gemini, your tricks of the neurosis trade have all expired. Time to barter them off for some mental maturity. Start by not believing everything you THINK.

Cancer: BRB – If I were Cancer (and I kind of am, since it is my rising sign) I would crawl right back into my shell and sleep through this one. Next week (or possibly July) emerge triumphantly. As you look around you will feel slightly hostile at the environmental changes that spun out from the preceding storm, but you were safe and sound so who are you to complain? Unfortunately you TOTALLY CAN’T do that at all. You’ll probably be the one leading this week’s transformation.

Leo: FTW – If the current planetary alignment is any indicator of everyone else’s ability to cause grand, cosmic, far reaching damage to their universes, the only question for Leo is “when everything is torn down and destroyed, what will you build up in it’s place?” Leo has got the ultimate potential through this poop storm to make something productive and awesome evolve.

Virgo: NAGL – Virgo, this one might be harrowing for you, since it will potentially bring up some baddums from your past whom or what you had tried desperately to avoid. Kind of like an accidental slaughter that you tried to bleach out, here comes the universe with a bottle of Luminol (SVU all day, every day.) That shiz lights up like Christmas over the blood and points out where you have failed to clean up your own messes. And if Virgo HATES HATES HATES anything, it’s a mess.

Libra: DTF – Libras are already 50% more horny than any other sign, and this week makes it a billion percent worse. Usually overshadowed by your neighbor the obviously kinkier Scorpio, you refuse to play second string now. The upside of that is that you get some aggression into your usually passive approach to romance. The downside is that you can be indiscriminate at this time. Bring a wing woman who can remove your cosmo-goggles if needed!

Scorpio: STFU – Big Bad Scorpio is huffing, puffing and trying to blow every one’s house down from inside their own glass dominion. Watch where the finger is pointed because it can easily point back at you! All good if you are just your typical plotting self, but if you start to engage any action towards manipulation, it could be that the screw is getting turned on YOU. You won’t like that one bit.

Sagittarius: ROFL – Similar to Taurus, you are not to be slam dunked by this mad moon, at least not until 1 month from today if at all. My guess is that nothing happens, and Sag gallops on with the same reckless abandon as usual. My astro friends say you are in for an amazing party this weekend, and possibly a marriage?! Well, that should overshadow and small tragedies (and believe me, they are minuscule if at all)

Capricorn: YOLO – Capricorns have an incredible opportunity for impetus. That means start something right now and you can almost guarantee it will be a successful endeavor. What am I saying?? You can ALWAYS guarantee that a Capricorn endeavor will be a success… but right now, your influence over convincing others that your endeavors are opportunities for all will be at a mega-high. Use your power for good, wear your goat head high and start your engines.

Aquarius: SMH – Aquarius is always looking at me like “SRSLY WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU OMG.” When I write these messages for you, believe me, I am well aware of your keen intellect and your skepticism. It’s what makes me think you are the awesomeness! But right about now, something is going to convince you that everything Queen Be has ever said has been correctamundo. Maybe it was my political intro and how I seamlessly wove it into horrorscopes. Either way Aqua is about to get a dose of the X files TRUTH IS OUT THERE believingness.

Pisces: TTYL – Once again you are soooo busy making everything all about you, Pisces. Because you “feel all the bone crushing emotional pain of humanity” to the point where it “cripples you so totally you are unable to make an easy decision of whether to go left or right” so you “drink yourself into oblivion” or “sex yourself into a coma” or “gamble yourself into the poor house” or whatever else. Get OVER it! You are barely affected by these planetary combos because your life is already a gashed open wound waiting for the salt of the universe to put you over the edge. And man, is your edge far.

Outer Planets 2013 – Horrorscopes

The G train has sucked me back into it’s grasp and this time taken my beau Michael alongside. That’s right, as of 3/10/13 (official mail forwarding date) we now live in the strange land between the Italian and Polish enclaves of Greenpoint/Williamsburg.

All of this positive productive forward motion is simply thanks to Saturn, the task master planet, completing its relay race from hell through the HOME sector in the chart. Every two and a half years, that stodgily and stoic old planet with it’s rings of ICE cut through a certain area in our charts. Whatever theme or topic that area RULES will be graded on it’s attendence, pop-quizzed, and then finally tested, and if you pass you won’t be the Super Senior in the room as the rest of your Zodiac tribe moves on to the next class. We’ve all likely been dancing like little monkeys for pennies while the organ grinder Saturn cranked out an off-key tune. Now the behemoth has gone retrograde for a bit, but never the less will be back in the saddle, digging his spurs into your butt beginning July 8, 2013.

Then, take into account the rest of those astro disastro bodies hurling through space and influencing the Days of Our Lives, the whole thing is a colossal cosmic mess.

And just in case you were wondering, and because I owe ya one (or several) and (“eventually”) make good on my word, here are your outer-planet based horrorscopes for the rest of 2013. Don’t blame me, I’m just the messenger! (lol, Scorpio):

Aries – Ego: The most appropriate word to describe an Aries. Not that that is a BAD thing, necessarily, unless it is the ONLY word used to describe said Ram. But lately, people have been having a hard time describing you. What’s your damage, Ram-bo? You’re not what you used to be. That’s not a bad thing either. In fact, it’s probably the best thing for you to now change daily, in the most unexpected ways, so you surprise even yourself. The next few months you will be particularly aggro about it.

Taurus – From now until Dec 21 presents the greatest opportunity for Taurus to LEARN something. What’s that mean, you ask, oh unteachable, immovable brick wall of the Zodiac? That means the highest concentration of opportunities for you to epically and completely blow it so that you are totally forced to do something differently for once, instead of reenacting that old definition of insanity (aka, doing it over and over the same way and expecting different results.) Sources say that this is a more friendly transit than I am making it seem. So instead of feeling like your little garden was infiltrated by hostile forces staging an armed takeover, it’s more likely to be a lot of time consuming weed whacking.

Gemini – When I joined girl scouts to corner the market on Samoas, one of our other activities was to sing short, rhyming songs. One of those songs went “Make new friends but keep the old, one is Silver and the other Gold.” This song is usually a Gemini Mantra, as the resident Social butterfly of the Zodiac. But with Uranus in your 11th house of friendships and fame, it gets a little re-write. Some strange individuals will come into your life suddenly, and some folks you thought would always be there might disappear just as quickly, but never fear, all is leading you to a more fabulous version of yourself in the world at large.. Whatever you thought you were going to be in society is due an upgrade. That includes jobs, fame, where you live, and who you are photographed in the tabloids next to. Buckle up for the next 6ish years of this.

Cancer – The last 12 months or so have been like a budget version of 50 Shades of Grey in which you are written as the unwilling participant in the universes BDSM experimentation. While it’s all like “woo hoo!” and “lemme whip ya!” you’re all like “wahhhhhh this is supposed to be fun???” Don’t worry my sensitive crabby crab, signs point to June/July being a complete turn around (fully in motion by September, as you shake off that residual PTSD in your typical grudge hording fashion.) All of a sudden YOU’RE the one on top. Won’t that be nice for a change?

Leo – One time at Karaoke this guy I know sang Pink Floyd’s “Money,” which is a rad song to listen to while driving 3 hours through Connecticut on I-95 from NY to Boston, but not so much when you’re waiting for YOUR turn at Karaoke to rock out some QUEEN at the top of your lungs. Leo, this song IS your theme song beginning in June for the next YEAR…. And acquiring the green will no longer be akin to the cross interstate trip, dragging you along for the ride. You are about to be in it to win it (for the wealth.) “Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash. New car, caviar, four star daydream, think I’ll buy me a football team.”

Virgo – This is a little spoken about fact, but Virgos are actually the Healers of the Zodiac. All creatures, great and small, are therefore instinctively drawn to Virgo in order to be metaphorically “cleansed” the way only a Virgo could clean something with precision and effectiveness. So when you need to be healed, who do you turn to? You’d think Dr. Virgo would be able to heal thyself, but this carebear is a “wounded healer”, dispensing exactly what is needed to others but having trouble giving it to themselves. The good news is that omens tell me that the Virgos are now getting a dose of their own (best) medicine from their chosen long term partnerships. So whether it’s business or pleasure, you have an endless pipe of nurturing coming at you from a seemingly bottomless source from here on out.

Libra – If Libra were to light a match right now, it could set off a domino chain of cosmic events resulting in a complete overhaul of your entire state of being, from keester to keelhaul. Meaning that small, seemingly insignificant changes put into ACTUAL effect RIGHT NOW, will have massive, avalanche like outcomes wayyyyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy down the line. Don’t have a panic attack and start carb-loading yet, Libra! The changes and their outcomes can 100000% only be positive ones: IF YOU ACTUALLY PUT INTO EFFECT THE ACTIONS REQUIRED. I know you KNOW what your choices are, Libra. You just hate making them.

Scorpio – Once or twice every bastrillion years, Gemini actually gets to be the bearer of GOOD news, and not get into one of those gnarly situations where we are begging “don’t shoot me, I am just the messenger!” Our absolute LEAST favorite person to serve up a crap pie to is always ALWAYS Scorpio, as you are basically the overlord of the underworld, and don’t take kindly to….well, a lot of things. Looks like its a good day for BOTH of us, Scorp, because I can officially report that the last 2.5 years of wading through your own karmic gunk is officially over and it’s now time to renovate that fabulous external YOU. For someone with a vacation home on the dark side, that means a) you get way more seXXXy, b) the next 2 years should be relatively easy.

Sagittarius – Get ready to expand to new levels of intimacy, Sag. You will be going places you never thought possible. That doesn’t just mean in the kinky sense of the word, either, but bonding and trust. The next year or so, beginning in July will see your boundaries expand in this area. I don’t think this will make even YOU uncomfortable, since your idea about boundaries in general is: “what boundaries?” But just as one thing (intimacy) is expanding, another thing is contracting. That other “thing” is the secret past life that you have for yourself only, and your feelings about all that has come before this moment, stretching back lifetimes. It may be a tug of war between past and future. Stay in the present.

Capricorn – Perhaps the biggest “deals” (you like how I use that word Mr. Business man?) in the realm of the GOAT are 1) the exposing of Debbie Downers and Negative Nancy’s in your inner circle and 2) finding the power inside the Sea Goat to extricate them, as well as all things outmoded and irrelevant, from your world. The Capricorn is perhaps the greatest paradox of the Zodiac, one of the most powerful signs can feel the most helpless. That’s cause you are on a quest, baby! The quest to find all that power inside yourself and never give it away to anyone again. That means if someone is in your way, either crush them and roll on or step to the side. You have to start living up to the acronym of G.O.A.T (Greatest Of All Time!) You gonna let someone stop you or what?

Aquarius – The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius is not just a term used by dancing hippies in the (awesome) musical HAIR, it is a concept that defines a “new age” (duh that’s where THAT came from) in which the ideals and values native to Aquarians will rule the world. Those values are innovative, humanitarian, egalitarian, ahead of the curve and marching to the beat of your own freak drum but being connected to amazing friends. Wouldn’t it be nice if the rest of the world caught up to you, Aqua? Good news for my water bearers is that the unfolding beginning in July of this year will amp up your creativity towards spreading that kind of world for the rest of us. Be the change!

Pisces – Did you know that this week there were 7 planets lined up in Pisces? This is the first time such a thing has happened since there were 7 in Taurus in May 2000 and never again in our lifetimes will 7 planets line up again in a single sign. What does that mean for Pisces being blessed with this beatific stellium? Probably nothing, since when was the last time Pisces got anything done, right??? Pisces you are now officially blessed with your ruling planet Neptune in your own Sign, for the next 12 years! For you, that means feeling at home in the world in the muddled, milky waters of delusion and indecision. For the rest of us, this particular position hasn’t happened since the California Gold Rush. That worked out….. (for the Aquarians who were there first.)

Red Rover, Red Rover, let Ophiuchus come over! – What does this new SIGN mean to you?

Greetings, my fellow starf*ckers! With the news of this sassy new sign busting onto the scene and yourself possibly NOT being the sign you’ve thought you were your whole life, it’s kind of like finding out you MIGHT be adopted, I know. And you’re sitting there, endlessly combing google and twitter, wondering WTF does all this mean for me????

For anyone who is curious as to WHY the sun is seeming to pass through a different sign than the one that you read your horoscopes for, here is a little physics lesson: The earth wobbles (thanks, big bang!), and the tilt has caused us to see the sun pass through a different sign form our teeny tiny perspective. Oh, this has happened for the last 2000 years, by the way. But now… some “scientists” in “Minnesota” are saying that I am not actually a Gemini… I’m a TAURUS?? Jeez, well if I weren’t already a walking Identity crisis, this would sure as hell cause one! And because Lindsay Lohan hasn’t had her annual Cancerian substance abuse meltdown, we needed something to sensationalize. LiLO, get back on track! We need to get back to zodialogical bizness as usual.

Tired of the tyranny of just having to be one astrological sign? Ready to trade in your ram horns for a set of fish fins? Just in case any of you are actually LOOKING for the opportunity to jump ship to a new sign (I know, Pisces) I’ve developed a cheat sheet for ya, so you know what you’ll be getting yourself into. Though most people I’ve spoken to regarding their possible “new sign” ADAMANTLY pronounce that they cannot be swayed, if you get a good deal, you should probably take it!

PS: If I have to be a Taurus now, I am taking Morrissey with me, then you’re ALL in trouble.

Plan to defect, but remember, hell is other people. I’ll stick with the devil I know.

SO YOU USED TO BE AN…. ARIES: Blood lust, black eyes, constant confrontations… for fun!
TRADE UP FOR A… PISCES: The chum in the water at a feeding frenzy. Fish food, or, thanks to your compulsive use of psychedelics…. Phish food!

SO YOU USED TO BE A… TAURUS: Stubborn (prefer to call it stable) and solid, study and reliable. A lover of all things beautiful and peaceful.
TRADE UP fOR AN…. ARIES: Self obsessed trigger happy lunatic. You will now burn down your own house if left alone.

SO YOU USED TO BE A…. GEMINI: Flirty, flighty social butterfly without a net, free to roam here and there with no consequence, as long as you do your job and deliver the messages you pick up in your travels.
TRADE UP FOR A…. TAURUS: The most boring sign in the entire zodiac. Also a hoarder.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….CANCER: Intuitive homebody who loves to nurture those around you.
TRADE UP FOR A ….. GEMINI: Hollowed out shell of a schizophrenic with no emotion and 103848940397290 distractions to tend to, daily.

SO YOU USED TO BE A… LEO: King of the jungle, life of the party, aint no party like a LEO party!
TRADE UP FOR A….. CANCER: Asleep in their own bed by 10pm everynight because their mother MIGHT have told them to do that 30 years ago (she’s so mean sometimes!)

SO YOU USED TO BE A….VIRGO: “Meticulous, attention to detail, self starter, go-getter” (I stole that from an Executive Assistant ad on Craigslist)
TRADE UP FOR A….LEO: Raging, sloppy, alcoholic despot who trashes hotel rooms when left to their own devices.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….. LIBRA: Fair and balanced (but unlike fox news, really) view of the world at large and secret love of the arts
TRADE UP FOR A…. VIRGO: Tirelessly hypercritical analysis of every waking breath for the rest of eternity.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….SCORPIO: King of the underworld, unlimited powers of regeneration.
TRADE UP FOR A….LIBRA: Can’t make a decision, unnatural obsession with cupcakes.

SO YOU USED TO BE A SAGITTARIUS: Expansion daily, life = party harty
TRADE UP FOR A…. SCORPIO: Death knell daily, life = devastating evil lurking in the shadows.

OR

TRADE UP FOR…. OPHINCHUS!!!: Now is your chance to be the new kid who NO BODY knows yet! Ophiuchus, you have Geminis casing you world wide. You’re like an exchange student from a distant place, we’re not sure if you’re cool yet.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….CAPRICORN: Hard working, socially adept, most likely to succeed.
TRADE UP FOR A…. SAGITTARIUS: Half-a-horse with foot-in-mouth disease. Disaster.

SO YOU USED TO BE AN…. AQUARIUS: Above all of this, really.
TRADE UP FOR A….CAPRICORN: Half-a-goat with a Christ complex.

SO YOU USED TO BE A… PISCES: The only sign that “gets” all of this.
TRADE UP FOR AN… AQUARIUS: The only sign that doesn’t buy ANY of this.

Stick that up Uranus in retrograde – Planets in Transit

Right about now, you may not know your ass from Uranus. But stick with Queen Be, and by the time I am done with you, you’re going to know everything there is to know about the magical pseudo-science that is astrology.

Today is not only a day of great blessings and abundence (in food terms,) it is also the day that Uranus goes direct. The bulky planet that rules rebellious teenagers and Aquarius’ alike is turning station (which means it aint moving for a few days) in Capricorn. This would indicate that

A) You need to get your shit together and
B) Everything in the universe will try to prevent you from getting said shit together.

Annoying, like an 10th grader sniffing pixie sticks, the planet is huffed up and ready to run rampant through direct motion for the next month. This is a 16 year cycle, so in essence, puberty is over and now the real trouble begins….

RESPONSIBILITY. Which, lord knows it’s impossible to have when you’re dealing with unexpected surprises (aka, Life) around every corner. Uranus may get a bad rap but it is a planet that teaches us to deal with our control issues… There will always be some wrench in the monkey machine that we didn’t see coming.

IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN – Horrorscopes – The Election Issue edition

Happy Fall! With election day creeping up like a guillotine on wheels, and the stock market taking swan dives into oblivion on a daily basis, it seems that once again that shifty bastard Mercury is speeding backwards through the universe, you know… just to mess with ya. Everyone is walking on, walking on broken glass these days. But, never you fear, Queen Be has rounded up the signs to straighten things out, and like a 12 sided conversation, gotten nothing significant done.

But like a town hall meeting, every sign has important questions and concerns that need to be dealt with, and just talk me to death instead of addressing the real problems (YOU).

As far as choosing which side you’ll be on when the new wall gets erected and the new guy gets elected, consider the horo-scopic implications of our candidates for a moment… there’s the old guy, a Virgo, who would most definitely appear to be as stable as his fuddy duddy sign would suggest. But what happens to a Virgo when they get stressed out? I’m thinking it will be a newsworthy bout of going AWOL, in a scary, jowl flapping, PTSD from being trapped in a box sort of way. Then there’s the other guy, the hunky one, born under the star of LEO. Um yeah, I am going to believe that he’s not just trying to get America in the sack to prove his point.
One way or another, it will all be over soon…. Here is the detailed map of your crash course through the next several days, at least until the 15th, when Mercury gets shot in the back of the head and puts us out of our misery.

Aries: FINANCIAL CRISIS: Buy low, sell high is advice given to those brave (stupid) souls who play the stock market. The danger of not doing as such could be… well.. let’s look at the past few weeks. If any of those morons had sold their stocks at their highest a few months ago (or whenever) they wouldn’t have a useless stock worth like, $30. The point is, Aries that as hard as it may seem, we have to know when to hold em, fold em, walk away, and jump into our speeding red Ferrari, getting the hell out of town. The stars indicate it is time for you to sell everything you don’t need. Some idiot will obviously buy it from you.

Taurus: VOTER CONFIDENCE: Taurus, are you asking yourself tough questions lately? For example “Who should I vote for?” Out of all the signs you are most influenced by the hypnotic suggestion of brand loyalty, and tend not to stray from your bull-pen unless dragged out by a Chevy and a clown. FYI, towing the party line isn’t always the best choice. PS, I saw another side of you recently, when backed into a corner you become violent and much more active than anyone ever sees you become at rest. Your horoscope this week is to ask yourself WHY you are doing what you do, and then to act like a small Spanish man is waving a red flag in front of your face. It’s a good time for ACTION.

Gemini: ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS: As the Market dips and rolls like Kingda Ka, you refuse to admit that a) anything is wrong and b) it might effect you. You are not outside of the realm of monetary karma as most other signs marvel at your ability to spend $300 on underwear in one fell swoop. This month, get your head out of your crazy twin’s rear and take the kids (and by kids, I mean both sides of yourself) out of your usual environment. With a fresh perspective you may realize your best energies have been spent pulling useless things out of the pockets of the wrong people. What a waste. Reduce, reuse and recycle.

Cancer: CREATION V. EVOLUTION: Well, someone jump-started Cancer this month, didn’t they? Usually as boring as a brown cat on a taupe rug, you have been blending into your surroundings for far too long, and decide to kick it up a notch. The usual way you do this is with drugs. But this time (yay for evolution,) you have chosen a different route. You have more creative potential right now than in all of 2008 so far. Though some parties say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, you can always drive the dog 200 miles away, leave it there, drive home and get a new one. If it comes back, love it forever.

Leo: EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION: Remember when you were young? (oh Leo, I’m not saying you LOOK old, calm down.) There was a time in your life when everything was effortless, and now it seems that you expend a large amount of energy trying to manipulate your surroundings to more-or-less reflect what you want them to. This month, pull back. Your ability to charm the underwear off of everyone around you is your greatest gift in achieving what you want. You really need no other effort, and if you are expending it, you’re doing something wrong.

Virgo: HEALTHCARE REFORM: It’s been a purging period for Virgo which means…. yep, you guessed it, BINGE TIME!!!!!!!! Good news, V, this time you are consuming what is most healthy for you, which can only trickle down to all areas of your life. As my Reiki master says “if you put the right stuff in, the right stuff will come out.” You’ve got the right stuff, baby. Love the way you turn me on. Hooray! Life is fun again, for now. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmz8ygxruoc)

Libra: TAX BREAKS: Libra, if you have been having money problems recently they are all about to ease up. I sense a large cash flow that should land in your pocket this week. This is actually a correction to a longstanding clerical error that has made you poor for the past year. Oops, the universe can’t keep on top of EVERYTHING, you know. Survey says complaining to your boss was your best move, keep that up.

Scorpio: FOREIGN AFFAIRS: Time to pack it up and skip town, Scorpio. This place is a dead end, anyway. My sources day that either there is a move in your future or the Russian mob has found you and you know what that means. Since we don’t want you taking a trip to that S&M club in the sky just yet, might I suggest sending a message to all of your enemies? Find an acquaintence or co-worker you could really do without, cut their body into pieces and mail each part to your enemies, saving the head for the biggest bully in your world, as if to say “look what I can do to my FRIENDS, think i won’t grind your bones to make my bread?” Just make sure the guy who gets the head isn’t more powerful than you, that’s a historical misstep.

Sagittarius: MAIN STREET V. WALL STREET: How have your recent attitudes been affecting those around you, Sagittarius? Usually not one to “overthink” things, and by that I mean give 15 seconds of pre-thought to anything, you are cosmically poised to have a tremendous effect on everything in your life, down to the folks who fill your tank and serve your coffee. I would suggest a little extra effort in the direction of kindness, try to make at least 3 people a day NOT want to punch you out, and that’s a good start!

Capricorn: GOLDEN PARACHUTES: If all of your friends are jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it too, Capricorn? Well maybe those idiots thought it would be fun to go willy-nilly into the free-fall, but of all the signs you most subscribe to the boyscout motto: BE PREPARED. There is a lesser known motto that those snot nosed little boys subscribe to as well, which will help you in the coming months. IF YOU CAN GET EVERYONE TO LOOK LIKE THEY JUMPED FIRST, THEN CUT THE STRINGS, YOU WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WHO LANDS SAFELY AND SCOTT FREE. Think about it.

Aquarius: ENERGY DEPENDENCE: Isn’t it SOOOOooo annoying that we have to rely on other people to do… like… almost everything?? I know an ideal world to Aquarius is one that is fully autocratic, functionally flawlessly like a well oiled wheel. Squeaky ones who need grease need not apply. UGH, everyone is annoying and you’re sick of them all, well join the club, A. This month you are meant to find your own limitations and, if you can’t push past them, negotiate with them. Perhaps they are un-pushpassable, and you need to find alternate ways to fill your needs.

Pisces: BRIDGE TO NOWHERE: If there’s something you want to say, Pisces, by all means say it now. In about 14 days, no one is going to listen to you anymore for a while. This is sad because for once in your grating life, you actually know what you’re talking about. A good idea for you would be to campaign for change in the direction you know you so desperately need right now, not hunker down with a bottle of whiskey and a box of pizza. You will end up no closer to your goals than you are right now if you don’t kick your own ass. You can also rent a Gemini to kick it for you, I hear they are going for extremely low prices these days.

THE HORROR NEVER ENDS FOR GOOD. 7/28-8/4

Hey remember when I used to write horoscopes? Well like any good Gemini I obviously lose interest in anything that doesn’t make me rich/famous in roughly 1 month. Alas, you really should learn to carry loose expectations from most things in life, especially when they are run by certain signs that have tendencies to grift or con.

Which brings me to a point…. WARNING SIGNS. last time I spoke about the shadow side of the signs, but who wants to actually have to get to know someone before you can stereotype them? Sheesh, that’s why stereotypes exist, they’re like a universal cheat sheet. Getting to know someone’s sign right away can save you a heck of a lot of time and energy, which you can later use to figure out more important life dramas, for ex, if Pinkberry is made entirely out of chemicals or not.

Lets say you have a date with a Scorpio and they invite you up to their place…start looking for under the bed restraint systems. Or a Leo… make sure that when they are gazing into your eyes, they aren’t just checking their reflection. Like astrological forensics in the crime scene of personal relationship, you can set up the scene before it even happens. Later it may be useful to figure out which direction the bullets came from. Especially if it’s Aries you’re dealing with.

Feel free to ask Queen Be about your potential mate, and I will be happy to supply you with a profile of their psycho tendencies before you have to learn it the hard way. If you do decide to write to me with your curiosities over behavior patterns in your sign or others, you may find your letter published (anonymously, of course) in a future Horrorscope. Please include your own sign so I know what particular brand of “crazy” I’m dealing with.

Well, here are your horrorscopes, because you keep asking me for them, and because I don’t have any other job to do that’s more important, and because I secretly have a crush on all of you.

Aries: You are feeling extremely lucky these days, as if someone strapped a live rabbits foot (still alive=more lucky for the rabbit) to a grenade and launched it into your life, exploding blessings all over the place. Usually, you are the one with the heavy artillery practicing the “offense is better than defense” tactic, but in this case you welcome the beneficence of the universe. This unexpected good luck thing is set to last for at least another month, so do all of your dangerous activities before the summer is up. Don’t worry, they’re still risky, as not to lose their excitement.

Taurus: Whoa there, sloppy joe… someone has let their slip show a little more than usual these days.Are you not caring so much about how others see you? Well good, because “hell is other people”, anyway. I take it this is a misguided attempt to accept yourself as you actually are, ungainly and all. That’s a good thing, but let me speak for the rest of the 11 signs that have to share subways, beds and supermarket lines with you…don’t let it affect personal hygiene. K, thanks.

Gemini: Oh you naughty little thing you, Gemini. You are just taking every opportunity to flirt these days and it may get you into trouble in the imminent future. Depending on which sign you are trying to slip the proverbial tongue to, that trouble may just turn into foreplay; otherwise it could break up families. You don’t care either way, because you care about no one but yourself at the end of the day.

Cancer: My “sources” are telling me that you are having a little trouble on the “money” or “career” front. I don’t know if this is because you have stopped going to work, or if it’s just a metaphor for not really wanting to keep going down the path you have set off on. This is a temporary set back. Might I recommend unemployment? Of, if like 33% of the rest of us you already ARE living off the gov’t, why not take this time to really consider what you’d like to devote your working self towards in the next year. Does it take into account your dashing good looks and talent? Well, consider that those are things people rarely get paid for.

Leo: If you could see me right now, Leo, I’d be rubbing my hands together in glee for the adventure of a lifetime is about to start for you. Are you properly stocked with all you may need to survive this road that will literally appear out of nowhere as though they finished paving it yesterday, just for you. Please keep this in mind, though… this temporary road is just that… temporary, and as you walk down it, the path from your old life is liable to disappear behind you. This is exciting but could be a scare. Be brave, you are already resourceful (at using other people’s resources.) So you’ll be fine.

Virgo: Once again, Virgo this week you will find that whining, nagging voice inside your head (that sounds suspiciously like your own voice,) nitpicking you into a coma, sapping and sucking all of the will to live that you have. To counter this, you will plan a vacation until you suddenly come to the realization that “Wherever you go, there you are.” You will begin a 4 month long project to cut all inefficient and undesirable parts of yourself out, like sawing off a gangrenous leg. Good luck.

Libra: This next month is going to be very interesting for Libra, in a “holy crap, didn’t see that one coming” sort of way. This is good because your life has been like watching documentaries in other languages with no subtitles recently: in short, confusing and boring. The sudden, unexpected upheaval of everything you know will be excited. Don’t over-eat in response to it. You’ll only hate yourself later.

Scorpio: Where are you, Scorpio? Out free floating in oblivion, kinda half in between anywhere worth mentioning and the unknown void? You’re pretty comfortable in the terrifying purgatory that most of the rest of us shiver to even think of, but don’t get TOO comfortable there, Scorp. You’ve got a lot to do and a short amount of time to do it in, so crack a whip and get that sexy ass moving before a wall falls in on you and you have no one but yourself to blame.

Sagittarius: This week I will refer you to a line from an Allen Ginsberg poem that you might know, called “Howl”. In this poem Ginsberg speaks of his friends “who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade.” Unless you would like a similar fate, you will take Time and the fact that it is still ticking into account in any major decisions this month.

Capricorn: Ever wonder, Capricorn, what could have happened… “if?” If you hadn’t have settled into that boring, monotonous hell hole of a job, or crashed and burned through unfulfilled relationship one after the next because you didn’t want to be alone? Well this month you will have the chance to literally see what could have happened “if”, as you are presented with the opportunity to have a life-reversal, settling karmic debts without overdrafting, and moving forward from there. Sweet life!

Aquarius: You usually scare me, Aquarius, as you are a loose cannon of sorts, hidden underneath a collected exterior. Like a live bomb, people try to diffuse you and end up cutting the wrong cord and BOOM. That’s the end of that chapter. My guess is that this month you will be reckoning with some folks from the past who have crawled through the wreckage you left and now want back into your life. It’s up to you whether or not you take them in to your adoring arms again.

Pisces: Ah Pisces, once again I have pulled your scope off the bottom of my shoe. It says, much like a fortune cookie covered in dirt, to watch where you step this month. No particular bombshells to drop on you at the moment, but you never know who is lurking around the corner waiting to take advantage of your highly take-advantageable nature. That being said, maybe you should make sure that isn’t happening currently in your life before you get yourself into any worse of a situation than you usually find yourself in.