For anyone who is curious as to WHY the sun is seeming to pass through a different sign than the one that you read your horoscopes for, here is a little physics lesson: The earth wobbles (thanks, big bang!), and the tilt has caused us to see the sun pass through a different sign form our teeny tiny perspective. Oh, this has happened for the last 2000 years, by the way. But now… some “scientists” in “Minnesota” are saying that I am not actually a Gemini… I’m a TAURUS?? Jeez, well if I weren’t already a walking Identity crisis, this would sure as hell cause one! And because Lindsay Lohan hasn’t had her annual Cancerian substance abuse meltdown, we needed something to sensationalize. LiLO, get back on track! We need to get back to zodialogical bizness as usual.

Tired of the tyranny of just having to be one astrological sign? Ready to trade in your ram horns for a set of fish fins? Just in case any of you are actually LOOKING for the opportunity to jump ship to a new sign (I know, Pisces) I’ve developed a cheat sheet for ya, so you know what you’ll be getting yourself into. Though most people I’ve spoken to regarding their possible “new sign” ADAMANTLY pronounce that they cannot be swayed, if you get a good deal, you should probably take it!

PS: If I have to be a Taurus now, I am taking Morrissey with me, then you’re ALL in trouble.

Plan to defect, but remember, hell is other people. I’ll stick with the devil I know.

SO YOU USED TO BE AN…. ARIES: Blood lust, black eyes, constant confrontations… for fun!
TRADE UP FOR A… PISCES: The chum in the water at a feeding frenzy. Fish food, or, thanks to your compulsive use of psychedelics…. Phish food!

SO YOU USED TO BE A… TAURUS: Stubborn (prefer to call it stable) and solid, study and reliable. A lover of all things beautiful and peaceful.
TRADE UP fOR AN…. ARIES: Self obsessed trigger happy lunatic. You will now burn down your own house if left alone.

SO YOU USED TO BE A…. GEMINI: Flirty, flighty social butterfly without a net, free to roam here and there with no consequence, as long as you do your job and deliver the messages you pick up in your travels.
TRADE UP FOR A…. TAURUS: The most boring sign in the entire zodiac. Also a hoarder.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….CANCER: Intuitive homebody who loves to nurture those around you.
TRADE UP FOR A ….. GEMINI: Hollowed out shell of a schizophrenic with no emotion and 103848940397290 distractions to tend to, daily.

SO YOU USED TO BE A… LEO: King of the jungle, life of the party, aint no party like a LEO party!
TRADE UP FOR A….. CANCER: Asleep in their own bed by 10pm everynight because their mother MIGHT have told them to do that 30 years ago (she’s so mean sometimes!)

SO YOU USED TO BE A….VIRGO: “Meticulous, attention to detail, self starter, go-getter” (I stole that from an Executive Assistant ad on Craigslist)
TRADE UP FOR A….LEO: Raging, sloppy, alcoholic despot who trashes hotel rooms when left to their own devices.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….. LIBRA: Fair and balanced (but unlike fox news, really) view of the world at large and secret love of the arts
TRADE UP FOR A…. VIRGO: Tirelessly hypercritical analysis of every waking breath for the rest of eternity.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….SCORPIO: King of the underworld, unlimited powers of regeneration.
TRADE UP FOR A….LIBRA: Can’t make a decision, unnatural obsession with cupcakes.

SO YOU USED TO BE A SAGITTARIUS: Expansion daily, life = party harty
TRADE UP FOR A…. SCORPIO: Death knell daily, life = devastating evil lurking in the shadows.

OR

TRADE UP FOR…. OPHINCHUS!!!: Now is your chance to be the new kid who NO BODY knows yet! Ophiuchus, you have Geminis casing you world wide. You’re like an exchange student from a distant place, we’re not sure if you’re cool yet.

SO YOU USED TO BE A….CAPRICORN: Hard working, socially adept, most likely to succeed.
TRADE UP FOR A…. SAGITTARIUS: Half-a-horse with foot-in-mouth disease. Disaster.

SO YOU USED TO BE AN…. AQUARIUS: Above all of this, really.
TRADE UP FOR A….CAPRICORN: Half-a-goat with a Christ complex.

SO YOU USED TO BE A… PISCES: The only sign that “gets” all of this.
TRADE UP FOR AN… AQUARIUS: The only sign that doesn’t buy ANY of this.

WELL, as a Gemini we all know I get bored with something as soon as….

what was I saying? Oh right. Well since my attention span has reduced in size to a tweet, I will give you your horoscopes today in 140 characters or less, with no regard for spelling, grammar, or punctuation. I may be convinced to keep going, if I receive enough positive reinforcement. If not, I may rob a bank and grow up to be a prostitute.

ARIES: 1st is the worst, 2nd is the best may be child’s taunt, but kids are smart. this wk step back & let someone else take the lead 4 once.

TAURUS: everyone’s favorite bull-in-a-chinashop has done enough damage & now must reap the karma of “you break it, you bought it.”

GEMINI: this week you have double the fun at twice the price in half the amount of time. if yer good at math, you get it. if not, oh well.

CANCER: your sponsor’s called u 4 the past week & u haven’t returned their calls. this wk ppl wonder if you’ve fallen off wagon or are dead.

LEO: now is the best time for you 2 make as many new friends as poss. why? new people have new resources you can use at your disposal, duh!

VIRGO: this week you realize people are like onions. keep peeling an onion and what do you get…? more stinky, tear inducing onion.

LIBRA: you need change. before you go cashing in all your dollars, think bigger picture. be the world you want to see in the change.

SCORPIO: all is well that ends well, you are a master at facilitating endings. now breathe and start again. more endings soon enough.

SAG: like taurus you are stampeding through life again, but at least you stop to smell the roses before you crush them underfoot! savor it!

CAP: resident control freak forgot that hell is other ppl, went vacationing there, got a tan. when you get back this week give me my t-shirt

AQUARIUS: you are about to come into a large sum of money, unexpectedly. that’s good, you will need it to bail yourself out of jail soon.

PISCES: you are in everyones way, like usual.

Today is not only a day of great blessings and abundence (in food terms,) it is also the day that Uranus goes direct. The bulky planet that rules rebellious teenagers and Aquarius’ alike is turning station (which means it aint moving for a few days) in Capricorn. This would indicate that

A) You need to get your shit together and
B) Everything in the universe will try to prevent you from getting said shit together.

Annoying, like an 10th grader sniffing pixie sticks, the planet is huffed up and ready to run rampant through direct motion for the next month. This is a 16 year cycle, so in essence, puberty is over and now the real trouble begins….

RESPONSIBILITY. Which, lord knows it’s impossible to have when you’re dealing with unexpected surprises (aka, Life) around every corner. Uranus may get a bad rap but it is a planet that teaches us to deal with our control issues… There will always be some wrench in the monkey machine that we didn’t see coming.

But like a town hall meeting, every sign has important questions and concerns that need to be dealt with, and just talk me to death instead of addressing the real problems (YOU).

As far as choosing which side you’ll be on when the new wall gets erected and the new guy gets elected, consider the horo-scopic implications of our candidates for a moment… there’s the old guy, a Virgo, who would most definitely appear to be as stable as his fuddy duddy sign would suggest. But what happens to a Virgo when they get stressed out? I’m thinking it will be a newsworthy bout of going AWOL, in a scary, jowl flapping, PTSD from being trapped in a box sort of way. Then there’s the other guy, the hunky one, born under the star of LEO. Um yeah, I am going to believe that he’s not just trying to get America in the sack to prove his point.

One way or another, it will all be over soon…. Here is the detailed map of your crash course through the next several days, at least until the 15th, when Mercury gets shot in the back of the head and puts us out of our misery.

Aries: FINANCIAL CRISIS: Buy low, sell high is advice given to those brave (stupid) souls who play the stock market. The danger of not doing as such could be… well.. let’s look at the past few weeks. If any of those morons had sold their stocks at their highest a few months ago (or whenever) they wouldn’t have a useless stock worth like, $30. The point is, Aries that as hard as it may seem, we have to know when to hold em, fold em, walk away, and jump into our speeding red Ferrari, getting the hell out of town. The stars indicate it is time for you to sell everything you don’t need. Some idiot will obviously buy it from you.

Taurus: VOTER CONFIDENCE: Taurus, are you asking yourself tough questions lately? For example “Who should I vote for?” Out of all the signs you are most influenced by the hypnotic suggestion of brand loyalty, and tend not to stray from your bull-pen unless dragged out by a Chevy and a clown. FYI, towing the party line isn’t always the best choice. PS, I saw another side of you recently, when backed into a corner you become violent and much more active than anyone ever sees you become at rest. Your horoscope this week is to ask yourself WHY you are doing what you do, and then to act like a small Spanish man is waving a red flag in front of your face. It’s a good time for ACTION.

Gemini: ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS: As the Market dips and rolls like Kingda Ka, you refuse to admit that a) anything is wrong and b) it might effect you. You are not outside of the realm of monetary karma as most other signs marvel at your ability to spend $300 on underwear in one fell swoop. This month, get your head out of your crazy twin’s rear and take the kids (and by kids, I mean both sides of yourself) out of your usual environment. With a fresh perspective you may realize your best energies have been spent pulling useless things out of the pockets of the wrong people. What a waste. Reduce, reuse and recycle.

Cancer: CREATION V. EVOLUTION: Well, someone jump-started Cancer this month, didn’t they? Usually as boring as a brown cat on a taupe rug, you have been blending into your surroundings for far too long, and decide to kick it up a notch. The usual way you do this is with drugs. But this time (yay for evolution,) you have chosen a different route. You have more creative potential right now than in all of 2008 so far. Though some parties say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, you can always drive the dog 200 miles away, leave it there, drive home and get a new one. If it comes back, love it forever.

Leo: EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION: Remember when you were young? (oh Leo, I’m not saying you LOOK old, calm down.) There was a time in your life when everything was effortless, and now it seems that you expend a large amount of energy trying to manipulate your surroundings to more-or-less reflect what you want them to. This month, pull back. Your ability to charm the underwear off of everyone around you is your greatest gift in achieving what you want. You really need no other effort, and if you are expending it, you’re doing something wrong.

Virgo: HEALTHCARE REFORM: It’s been a purging period for Virgo which means…. yep, you guessed it, BINGE TIME!!!!!!!! Good news, V, this time you are consuming what is most healthy for you, which can only trickle down to all areas of your life. As my Reiki master says “if you put the right stuff in, the right stuff will come out.” You’ve got the right stuff, baby. Love the way you turn me on. Hooray! Life is fun again, for now. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmz8ygxruoc)

Libra: TAX BREAKS: Libra, if you have been having money problems recently they are all about to ease up. I sense a large cash flow that should land in your pocket this week. This is actually a correction to a longstanding clerical error that has made you poor for the past year. Oops, the universe can’t keep on top of EVERYTHING, you know. Survey says complaining to your boss was your best move, keep that up.

Scorpio: FOREIGN AFFAIRS: Time to pack it up and skip town, Scorpio. This place is a dead end, anyway. My sources day that either there is a move in your future or the Russian mob has found you and you know what that means. Since we don’t want you taking a trip to that S&M club in the sky just yet, might I suggest sending a message to all of your enemies? Find an acquaintence or co-worker you could really do without, cut their body into pieces and mail each part to your enemies, saving the head for the biggest bully in your world, as if to say “look what I can do to my FRIENDS, think i won’t grind your bones to make my bread?” Just make sure the guy who gets the head isn’t more powerful than you, that’s a historical misstep.

Sagittarius: MAIN STREET V. WALL STREET: How have your recent attitudes been affecting those around you, Sagittarius? Usually not one to “overthink” things, and by that I mean give 15 seconds of pre-thought to anything, you are cosmically poised to have a tremendous effect on everything in your life, down to the folks who fill your tank and serve your coffee. I would suggest a little extra effort in the direction of kindness, try to make at least 3 people a day NOT want to punch you out, and that’s a good start!

Capricorn: GOLDEN PARACHUTES: If all of your friends are jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it too, Capricorn? Well maybe those idiots thought it would be fun to go willy-nilly into the free-fall, but of all the signs you most subscribe to the boyscout motto: BE PREPARED. There is a lesser known motto that those snot nosed little boys subscribe to as well, which will help you in the coming months. IF YOU CAN GET EVERYONE TO LOOK LIKE THEY JUMPED FIRST, THEN CUT THE STRINGS, YOU WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WHO LANDS SAFELY AND SCOTT FREE. Think about it.

Aquarius: ENERGY DEPENDENCE: Isn’t it SOOOOooo annoying that we have to rely on other people to do… like… almost everything?? I know an ideal world to Aquarius is one that is fully autocratic, functionally flawlessly like a well oiled wheel. Squeaky ones who need grease need not apply. UGH, everyone is annoying and you’re sick of them all, well join the club, A. This month you are meant to find your own limitations and, if you can’t push past them, negotiate with them. Perhaps they are un-pushpassable, and you need to find alternate ways to fill your needs.

Pisces: BRIDGE TO NOWHERE: If there’s something you want to say, Pisces, by all means say it now. In about 14 days, no one is going to listen to you anymore for a while. This is sad because for once in your grating life, you actually know what you’re talking about. A good idea for you would be to campaign for change in the direction you know you so desperately need right now, not hunker down with a bottle of whiskey and a box of pizza. You will end up no closer to your goals than you are right now if you don’t kick your own ass. You can also rent a Gemini to kick it for you, I hear they are going for extremely low prices these days.

Which brings me to a point…. WARNING SIGNS. last time I spoke about the shadow side of the signs, but who wants to actually have to get to know someone before you can stereotype them? Sheesh, that’s why stereotypes exist, they’re like a universal cheat sheet. Getting to know someone’s sign right away can save you a heck of a lot of time and energy, which you can later use to figure out more important life dramas, for ex, if Pinkberry is made entirely out of chemicals or not.

Lets say you have a date with a Scorpio and they invite you up to their place…start looking for under the bed restraint systems. Or a Leo… make sure that when they are gazing into your eyes, they aren’t just checking their reflection. Like astrological forensics in the crime scene of personal relationship, you can set up the scene before it even happens. Later it may be useful to figure out which direction the bullets came from. Especially if it’s Aries you’re dealing with.

Feel free to ask Queen Be about your potential mate, and I will be happy to supply you with a profile of their psycho tendencies before you have to learn it the hard way. If you do decide to write to me with your curiosities over behavior patterns in your sign or others, you may find your letter published (anonymously, of course) in a future Horrorscope. Please include your own sign so I know what particular brand of “crazy” I’m dealing with.

Well, here are your horrorscopes, because you keep asking me for them, and because I don’t have any other job to do that’s more important, and because I secretly have a crush on all of you.

Sent via Blackberry from T-Mobile

Aries: You are feeling extremely lucky these days, as if someone strapped a live rabbits foot (still alive=more lucky for the rabbit) to a grenade and launched it into your life, exploding blessings all over the place. Usually, you are the one with the heavy artillery practicing the “offense is better than defense” tactic, but in this case you welcome the beneficence of the universe. This unexpected good luck thing is set to last for at least another month, so do all of your dangerous activities before the summer is up. Don’t worry, they’re still risky, as not to lose their excitement.

Taurus: Whoa there, sloppy joe… someone has let their slip show a little more than usual these days.Are you not caring so much about how others see you? Well good, because “hell is other people”, anyway. I take it this is a misguided attempt to accept yourself as you actually are, ungainly and all. That’s a good thing, but let me speak for the rest of the 11 signs that have to share subways, beds and supermarket lines with you…don’t let it affect personal hygiene. K, thanks.

Gemini: Oh you naughty little thing you, Gemini. You are just taking every opportunity to flirt these days and it may get you into trouble in the imminent future. Depending on which sign you are trying to slip the proverbial tongue to, that trouble may just turn into foreplay; otherwise it could break up families. You don’t care either way, because you care about no one but yourself at the end of the day.

Cancer: My “sources” are telling me that you are having a little trouble on the “money” or “career” front. I don’t know if this is because you have stopped going to work, or if it’s just a metaphor for not really wanting to keep going down the path you have set off on. This is a temporary set back. Might I recommend unemployment? Of, if like 33% of the rest of us you already ARE living off the gov’t, why not take this time to really consider what you’d like to devote your working self towards in the next year. Does it take into account your dashing good looks and talent? Well, consider that those are things people rarely get paid for.

Leo: If you could see me right now, Leo, I’d be rubbing my hands together in glee for the adventure of a lifetime is about to start for you. Are you properly stocked with all you may need to survive this road that will literally appear out of nowhere as though they finished paving it yesterday, just for you. Please keep this in mind, though… this temporary road is just that… temporary, and as you walk down it, the path from your old life is liable to disappear behind you. This is exciting but could be a scare. Be brave, you are already resourceful (at using other people’s resources.) So you’ll be fine.

Virgo: Once again, Virgo this week you will find that whining, nagging voice inside your head (that sounds suspiciously like your own voice,) nitpicking you into a coma, sapping and sucking all of the will to live that you have. To counter this, you will plan a vacation until you suddenly come to the realization that “Wherever you go, there you are.” You will begin a 4 month long project to cut all inefficient and undesirable parts of yourself out, like sawing off a gangrenous leg. Good luck.

Libra: This next month is going to be very interesting for Libra, in a “holy crap, didn’t see that one coming” sort of way. This is good because your life has been like watching documentaries in other languages with no subtitles recently: in short, confusing and boring. The sudden, unexpected upheaval of everything you know will be excited. Don’t over-eat in response to it. You’ll only hate yourself later.

Scorpio: Where are you, Scorpio? Out free floating in oblivion, kinda half in between anywhere worth mentioning and the unknown void? You’re pretty comfortable in the terrifying purgatory that most of the rest of us shiver to even think of, but don’t get TOO comfortable there, Scorp. You’ve got a lot to do and a short amount of time to do it in, so crack a whip and get that sexy ass moving before a wall falls in on you and you have no one but yourself to blame.

Sagittarius: This week I will refer you to a line from an Allen Ginsberg poem that you might know, called “Howl”. In this poem Ginsberg speaks of his friends “who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade.” Unless you would like a similar fate, you will take Time and the fact that it is still ticking into account in any major decisions this month.

Capricorn: Ever wonder, Capricorn, what could have happened… “if?” If you hadn’t have settled into that boring, monotonous hell hole of a job, or crashed and burned through unfulfilled relationship one after the next because you didn’t want to be alone? Well this month you will have the chance to literally see what could have happened “if”, as you are presented with the opportunity to have a life-reversal, settling karmic debts without overdrafting, and moving forward from there. Sweet life!

Aquarius: You usually scare me, Aquarius, as you are a loose cannon of sorts, hidden underneath a collected exterior. Like a live bomb, people try to diffuse you and end up cutting the wrong cord and BOOM. That’s the end of that chapter. My guess is that this month you will be reckoning with some folks from the past who have crawled through the wreckage you left and now want back into your life. It’s up to you whether or not you take them in to your adoring arms again.

Pisces: Ah Pisces, once again I have pulled your scope off the bottom of my shoe. It says, much like a fortune cookie covered in dirt, to watch where you step this month. No particular bombshells to drop on you at the moment, but you never know who is lurking around the corner waiting to take advantage of your highly take-advantageable nature. That being said, maybe you should make sure that isn’t happening currently in your life before you get yourself into any worse of a situation than you usually find yourself in.

Today I am talking about the Shadow. It is term coined by Carl Jung (who?) not completely dissimilar to that dark cloud that the gay kid in green tights goes on and on about finding, (I’m sure he was a Cancer.) But despite the fact that Peter Pansy went through all the trouble of stitching the thing to his feet, YOUR shadow can never be separated from you. (Please check your vocab list to see that the Shadow I am talking about is not the one cast by the real sun, but the darkest, most unconscious part of your slippery monkey-minded self. Like having your own personal “evil twin,” (even though Gemini already has this.)The one that wreaks all the havoc on your wallet (Capricorn,) Interpersonal relationships (Taurus,) and Life in General (Pisces.)

This week, lets take a look at what causes you to tick (like a walking time bomb.) Call it the Shadow, call it the Saboteur, call it Jim-Jam, it ain’t going ANYWHERE anytime soon, so you better make friends with the bastard. The good thing is that once you KNOW when the shadow starts kicking around, you can give it a cookie and tell it to go sit in the corner.

Without further ado, get to know your shadow. And don’t worry if this makes you a touch uncomfortable, you may be perfect just the way you are.

http://teenageangst.wordpress.com

Aries: You have a propensity for destruction this week as Mars stampedes through the sky in full armor for the last few days. You can’t tell the difference between those you love and those you need to destroy to get what you want. That’s just an FYI. Your shadow engages like blood lust whenever you get remotely turned on about something, then it becomes a cross between Rambo and Rachel Ray, baking cookies for the suckers who you’re about to annihilate. Your shadow poisons the well when you feel bored, tired, hungry, or physically threatened in anyway.

Taurus: Like a bull in the headlights, you are the sign most susceptible to your dark side. Why? Because it’s so damn sexy! Your shadow is twice your size and sits in front of the TV all day and night. It starts talking really loudly over you whenever you open your mouth to speak. It says things like “No, those pants don’t make you look fat, they make you look UGLY” to your significant other. It’s so bombastic and attention grabbing we should call it your OVER-Shadow. Your Shadow starts texting your ex when you have the ghost of a chance to be happy.

Gemini: As mentioned quite often, you are the worst of both worlds, and since you already have two sides to whatever story you happen to be, I can use mathematical deduction to surmise that you have, not one, but TWO shadows. They probably fight with each other the way a 45 year old would fight with a 5 year old if they were forced to live together in a 4 foot wooden box. This should give indication as to how each shadow personality acts; either like a spastic toddler with ADHD or a rigid, intolerant middle ager who already knows everything. Your shadow starts running like a the wind when you feel like your freedom OR security is threatened.

Cancer: You practically are your own shadow most of the time, depending on what moon is gallivanting around. During a Lunar eclipse, you are probably the only one who could play lotto and win, but you’d never try because you don’t think you are that lucky. Have you not noticed, Cancer, that you’ve managed to survive this long? Most Gemini’s would call that Luck. Your shadow starts avoiding your parole officer and looking for trouble when your mommy doesn’t pay enough attention to you, or when your bf/gf doesn’t text you back within 2 minutes.

Leo: Your obsessive need for glory is what makes you both compelling and undeniably attractive. It is also what makes most of the other signs have a vicious love/hate relationship with you. The hate side might be activated by your Shadow, which is the probably the least complicated of all the signs because it’s basically an overblown Ego. Once again, it is also what people like about you, so whatever, you win either way. Your shadow starts cat-walking and grabbing at karaoke mics when you feel the slightest bit ignored or undervalued.

Virgo: I wouldn’t call you COMPLETELY psychotic, Virgo. It’s only your Shadow that makes you appear as such, and it almost always revolves around (surprise) your undiluted, clench-fisted need to plan and execute every step of your life in hyper-lighted perfection. If you perceive failure, your dark side shines through like a quagmire of mud being spewed from a black hole and no one escapes. Your shadow starts complaining to anyone with ears when you feel like you are strapped for cash, no matter how much money you ACTUALLY have in the bank.

Libra: Like “The Force” in Star Wars (hey, secret Libra nerd… don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about) There is a light and a dark side to the power we all possess. You usually dwell on the lighter side, balancing your darkness like the scales of your sign imply. Well the good news is that Gossip Girl is starting again soon, so you’ll have something to occupy your paranoid, high-strung self before you tear apart the things going well in your life because you don’t trust them. Your shadow starts binge-eating when things in your life are suspiciously easy.

Scorpio: You are the scariest motherfucker in the whole 12 sign spread, you make no secrets about that fact, and that fact is the ONLY thing you make no secrets about. Most people don’t actually know whether you love or hate them or how long either one will last. You don’t threaten, ever, because if the words leave your lips, someone would actually die. You take whatever action is necessary to advance no matter who has to pay dearly. Gemini thinks this is cool! Your shadow starts doing hard drugs when you are backed into a metaphorical corner, or when you are scorned in matters of your cold, black heart.

Sagittarius: Once upon a time Sagittarius was just a fun-loving, wide eyed dancer through the universe. Then you evolved. And since your nature split between higher (human) and lower (animal, in this case… horse) You get the prize for the funkiest looking Shadow in the batch. Your foot-in-mouth disease is actually NOT a part of your shadow, but just who you are. Your shadow starts attempting to control everyone around you when you feel undermined, or when you start galloping away on a power trip to rival Napoleon.

Capricorn: You consider yourself a master puppeteer but you are not a very good liar. Most people know this. In fact, you have an inner drive for destruction that is so well conceived not even you know about it. The truth is that you thrive when your “world” starts to fall apart so you might as well enjoy the fireworks as the whole thing goes up in flames. It only happens about twice a decade, anyway. Your shadow starts handing money over to three card monty players when you get the killer form of confidence known as “hubris,” your favorite deadly sin… (“you mean I have to pick only ONE?”)

Aquarius: As the resident secret freak-show of the Zodiac, the water bearer never has to deal with a bad rap because you are so good at hiding it/subverting it into “creative” ventures that not even your “best friends” know about. Actually, you never let anyone get that close to you because of the skeletons you must have hiding in your closet… Or do you? You are the expert at avoidance. Your shadow starts acting shady as hell when you perceive that people are “onto you,” whatever the fuck that means.

Pisces: You are already so much of a disaster that you hardly need a more unconscious part of yourself taking over, but the joke is that as the sign ruled BY that unconsciousness, you are actually inherently the MOST conscious. Heh? Well that explains how you can know everything and still act like a house on fire. Your shadow starts blacking out and emerging an alternate personality for you on the weekends. Nothing else need trigger it.

But, there’s something to be said for those wiley middlers who refuse to be totally influenced by one sign or another. Of course, when you take into account the fact that we all have 11 other signs that occupy our 11 other “houses” and influence our actions thus forth, none of this bullshit matters anyway.

Oh PS, Pluto is retrograde till September 8th. Have an awesome summer!

See you next week, cross the space in my chest where a heart would be if I had one.

Aries: I’m secretly a sucker for Science Fiction… I don’t know what it is, definitely an inner nerd-like trait I try my best to hide. But anyway enough about me, Aries, you won’t be reading for much longer. I can think of one or more high-intensity Sci-Fi moments, where the hero is trying to save the world, and the computer starts flashing something like “Does not compute.” Shit! 5 seconds left before an alien bomb attached to an asteroid hits earth and cools the mantle sending us all to annihilation, and this stupid computer doesn’t GET IT?? Aries, this week you must disregard any external devices that you have been relying on and save yourself.

Taurus: Winston Churchill described “life” as “One damn thing after the next.” The reason I put “life” into quotes like that, Taurus, is because what he was talking about is the life that exists when we get all caught up in the bull-shitocity of all those damn things that keep coming and going. Any old Virgo has already realized the relative truth of this situation, and you would do well this week to really notice it too. It is a relative truth because the absolute truth is that actual Life has nothing to do with any of those things, as often as they may follow each other in a train down the street of your existence.

Gemini: Who are you? No, I am seriously asking you this question, Gem. Like the caterpillar asked Alice, WHO ARE YOU? Nobody knows. You don’t even know. Good news is that this week, it doesn’t matter anymore. You don’t need to know. In fact, you would be better off NOT knowing, not thinking you should know, and refusing to define yourself by anyone else’s ideas who THINK they know. If you can be comfortable with no answer for once in your life (and no, that’s not an answer disguised as no answer,) you will open your eyes and heart to the new territories you so wholly desire.

Cancer: Don’t feel like dancing? That’s fine, don’t. Don’t feel like attending your AA meetings? OK, people will be calling you soon enough. Don’t feel like getting over your last bf/gf who left you in a crumpled heap questioning the nature of your existence? Alright… there will be another along shortly to destroy you all over again. Life keeps on keepin on, Cancer, so whatever it is that your moody ass needs to do this week to feel satisfied, the stars say “Go for it.”

Leo: Emotions are like the weather. They come, they go. Sometimes it’s raining and you’re like… SO MAD! And sometimes it’s sunny and all is well. Sometimes it’s windy and you’re talking too much. Sometimes… well, you get the picture. This week, Leo, the forecast is as follows… dress accordingly: Monday- Wednesday, partly cloudy with a chance of rain. Immediately followed by rainbows, (which, some might define as “candy colored frowns”) Thursday there will be blood. Friday, SUN SHOWERS!!!!!!!!! Sat-Sun = huh? Sorry if that didn’t make much sense, meteorology, like astrology, is more of an art than a science.

Virgo: Take what you can get, and NEVER stop taking, Virgo. If anyone knows how to horde for a nuclear winter, it’s you. The stars suggest you start taking inventory, collecting what you’re owed on old debts, and all around stock-piling because you’re due for a hermitage that is going to make JD Salinger look like Paris Hilton. Get your ass in gear, make sure you are stocked with “batteries” for your “flash light” and turn in. Although it’s Spring for most, it’s going to be a sort of hibernation period for you.

Libra: You have nothing to complain about. Literally. So you have to invent something. Lets look around us, what seems stressful these days, Libra… Are they out of your favorite candy at the bodega? Did someone give you too MUCH attention last week? Are you feeling over appreciated? I think I am getting to the root of it… you are not USED to being in balance! Most of your life is a struggle to maintain it, and as such, it’s starting to even out, so you’re trying to tip the scales. How cute! This week, you will get what you’re asking for.

Scorpio: Secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone! But they don’t hurt Scorpio, that’s for sure. You’re like the lock-box of the zodiac usually, but this week you have cause to shout from the rooftops…. whatever you want. Things all good? Belt it out. Write it in a song. Graffiti it on the inside of bathroom stalls. You have the uncanny ability to move everyone you meet like a chess player. Where on the board you choose to place them is all of your own discernment.

Sagittarius: I have just received notification from the Unicorns (higher plane of your personal sign, my hobbyhorse friend) that Sagittarius is “Zen for the first time in years.” Please do your best to take advantage of this rare state of being so gracefully blessed upon yourself. All that you do and say this week is as auspicious as blowing your nose, if not also just as useful.

Capricorn: People can be unhappy in two different circumstances: 1) When they don’t get what they want, and 2) when they do. Which one are you, Capricorn? Not that it’s so easy to differentiate, sometimes you want something then change your mind about it. You’re not special, you’re all of humanity. But this week, you have the distinct ability to realize this conundrum that we oft find ourselves in and correct it. Maybe not wanting anything? Maybe wanting everything fiercely but accepting the inherent unhappiness? Let me know how it goes!

Aquarius: Word of the day: bellwether \BEL-weth-uhr\, noun: A leader of a movement or activity; also, a leading indicator of future trends. This should actually be the Word of Aquarius, as this is so deeply entrenched in your personal nature it’s like the foundation of it. That and being really weird. Either way, you are this week, this day, indicating the future trends if you will only pay attention to yourself. Aquarius, pay attention!!!

Pisces: Ugh, you again. I don’t even want to deal with you so I am having the highly observant and detail oriented guest Virgo, Lil Mamma, write your horoscope this week. Enjoy:
“As a guest speaker on this weeks (or months, depending on how adamant our Queen Be is to keep up with her “weekly” horoscopes.) I’d like to take a moment to stand up for you, my fishy friend. You know, I like you guys….my ex boyfriend was a Pisces and as it turns out, he’s not a jerk like QB makes you all come off as. (now Sag, that’s a horse of a different color.) So, here we go….this week (or month) you will not be insulted, bashed or reminded of how difficult the path to your ultimate goals can sometimes be to find. I’m just gonna tell you to take it easy and have a wonderful week (month). And now, let’s collectively stick our tongues out in salute to the almighty Queen Be.

Aries: In one micro second, everything can change, Aries. You are well aware of this, and often use change like an accelerant to burn down the forest (and the trees) where you’ve just recently been (and barely noticed.) This week, you come face to face with a family of small creatures living inside your now-charred surroundings, and in an unusual display of empathy, you adopt them. Bringing them into your home proves to be the worst of all of the ill-conceived thoughts you’ve ever had. Although they look cute, they crap EVERYWHERE and burrow into places where, lets just say, you’re gonna spend a long time negotiating through. The moral of the story is that if you have an emotion you’re unfamiliar with, even if it feels good for a second to step outside of yourself, you are the ONE SIGN that never needs to do that, so why bother?

Taurus: Just because you want something to be the case, doesn’t mean it will happen. I know, right?? Life sucks. Not that you’re unfamiliar with disappointment, Taurus, but this week you get and inkling that things may be happening the same exact way, over and over, under a different guise. Relationships being a specific topic needing your thick-headed attention (career coming in a close second.) My advice: when you figure out the reason why you’re not getting what you want, meaning, when you identify the culprit that keeps stealing your thunder or sabotaging your dreams, no matter where it is inside yourself, get brave and gore it out. Do this quickly and effectively and watch things turn around like, yesterday.

Gemini: It could be feeling like someone ripped your magic carpet out from underneath you and sent you hurling through space, unbeknownst to where you will end up. One emergency crash landing later, and you’re in unfamiliar territory. Instead of listening to depresso music or watching as your head spins in counter-clockwise circles, why don’t you make the best of wherever you’ve landed. Take in the scenery, learn the local slang, make some of the currency, set up camp. You may have to stay there for a while, but only until someone comes by and offers to fix your busted mode of transportation in exchange for the very thing you have spent your time gathering. It’s not like you to want to rely on good timing, Gemini, but for now you must sit tight.

Cancer: When someone offers you a free beating, do you take it just because it’s free??? I mean really, Cancer, are you THAT MUCH of a glutton for punishment, or do you just like the attention? OR do you think you deserve it? OK this week we need to do some serious self esteem building in you, because it’s kinda getting sad and everyone is noticing. You work so hard to avoid getting stepped on that those tiny pincher’s clip at everyone who gets close to you, but as soon as one bad egg gets through the batch and cracks on your skull, you’re falling apart for weeks. Instead of binge drinking like you usually would, this week look at yourself in the mirror and repeat after me “I may be crabby, but I’m the best, most crabbiest one there is. I give it my all” Who can take that away from you?

Leo: Something tells me you’ve been itching for a change recently. Am I right? Am I? I know I am, even if you don’t. It’s probably been exhibiting itself in your strange new interests, or general disinterest in everything around you that has become… well, customary. This week you have every opportunity to get out, do new things, meet new people, get dragged into illegal activity, end up on the lam or on a train to Alaska, you know, fun stuff. New stuff! If you follow your lower, more self destructive urges, it is possible that although you will experience novelty, it won’t lead you to the sort of long lasting excitement that you will get from simply… following the disciplines you’ve already become accustomed to. I know, pretty boring, right? Keep on truckin’.

Virgo: This week I’d like you to think of your mind as a hungry little animal (or a baby, if that image is preferable.) It’s crying for your attention, for your care, and for you to feed it. But be VERY careful what sort of nourishment you provide the little bugger with, because you know that what you feed, grows. Use the standard Italian fix-all, “feed a fever, starve a cold” as a general key to your states. If something makes you feel all hot, passionate, turned up and on, feed it. If it leaves you feeling like a cold, dead farm raised salmon packed in ice, shut it out.

Libra: This week Libra should be not the scales but the Librarian. I wonder if that word actually came from the same source as your sign name. Weird huh? Anyway, I call you Libra the Librarian this week not because you are a stuffy old biddy who is married to Dewey Decimal, but because you have an excellent new way of categorizing and keeping watch over what is important to you this week, specifically in reference to what you can and have recently learned. Sweet life. Now be sure to make sure everyone else is quiet and observing the rules.

Scorpio: You are the zodiax resident humanitarian this week, Scorpio. Um, since when do you like people this much? Just kidding, boo. We both know that under your hard, poisonous shell, lies a heart of gold. Now, don’t get the idea that you have to run off and join the Peace Corps, or feed starving babies in Africa or anything like that. No, you can do a bundle of good from your very own couch. Um, impossible? No, Scorpio, we are living in the internet age where all is connected. So you know as well as I do that whatever situation that crosses your path this week, with all of it’s neediness, you will be well equipped to deal with.

Sagittarius: HOLLA , Sag. I’ve got so much good news for you this week there is barely a proper place to start. I imagine that as a result of highly favorable star patterns, you have been pre-selected to win the lotto. Strike gold, get rich quick, all of those good things… the only drawback is that you are definitely not feeling in-it-to-win-it. This may be a result of a nasty inferiority complex, or a low sense of worth. This week you had better start shifting into the mindset of having everything your heart desires or else you will be so out of alignment with the riches that are rightfully yours, they will pass right over your head.

Capricorn: I got you a present this week, Capricorn. OK, so I stole it from Scorpio, shhhh, don’t tell them or else they will have my head served up on a silver platter. Your cosmic gift for the next 7 days is to be both totally objective about your life while also emotionally engaged in it. Your homework is to feel all of these emotions to the absolute end point. Cry it out, then laugh it out, then scream it out, then sing it out, then go about your evil, manipulative business with your usual panache. You are not going to get another chance like this to fully engage with your lower, more primal self for the next 1600 years.

Aquarius: The patina is sort of starting to shed from the life you have created for yourself and boxed up with a neat little bow, Aquarius. Why did this happen now? Maybe it’s because you’re a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit more resentful of those who are out and accomplishing more than you have for yourself. That’s OK, though. You can use that dissonance as rocket fuel this week to literally climb onto the shoulders of everyone who has worked hard enough to get ahead of YOU in life. Well, screw them! Now, you know that saying, “be kind to those you meet on the way up, they will be the ones you meet on the way back down,” or some shit like that, well, step lightly.

Pisces: You are familiar with the term “sloppy seconds,” yes, Pisces? Well this week you are like the universe’s sloppy seconds. Handed off like a baton in a race to be the last one standing, you induce a shame spiral that lands you positively nowhere, which I guess is better than where you are now (nowhere, but with a chip on your shoulder.) If you play your cards right this week, someone may feel sorry enough to sleep with you, and then you can lock yourself in your room for a week and gorge on ice cream because while your partner is climaxing you have a vision that identifies the exact moment where it all went horribly wrong for you.

The Zodiac, of course, has nothing to say about Love in all of it’s rampant samplings. Just kidding, it totally does.
Good luck in the 3 ring circus of relationships this year, here’s hoping you back the right horse (and no, that doesn’t mean what you think it does, gutter-brain.)

http://teenageangst.wordpress.com

Aries: Frank Bidart, a poet I’ve personally never heard of, wrote a line that I stole for your horoscope this week, Aries (whatever, yo, good artists borrow, great artists steal.) “then the voice in my head said WHETHER YOU LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE OR LIVE IN DIVIDED CEASELESS REVOLT AGAINST IT, WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE.” This could not be more apropos at anytime than it is RIGHT NOW. Can you see the urgency in the caps lock? This year, what you love will shape your life in ways you never actually imagined, and I think you’ll be quite pleased that you never had the foresight to guess, even though you don’t like surprises (they make you trigger happy.)

Taurus: Did you know that every relationship in your life is actually an external projection of your relationship with yourself? No, it’s true, and if people realized this and stopped inflicting their damaged, ill-developed self-relationships on others, the world would be a much happier place. That’s what I think anyway, and also why I tend to stay out of relationships. But it isn’t just the LOVE kind, Taurus, it’s all the other kinds too. Are there people in your life who you can’t stand for some reason? It’s actually something about yourself you can’t stand and so you need a convenient scapegoat to work out your angst on. Flipside is also true: that person you adore has qualities in your blindsided self that you want to nurture and encourage. Think about that, this week.

Gemini: Dearest double-the-trouble, double-the-fun twins. Vincent Van Gogh may have once said “You’ve got to love what you love.” He might have continued that phrase by saying “Even if you are being stupid.” This week, I want to help you navigate your supposed love-leads-to-stupidity, so I turned to Google. The phrase “If you’re going to be stupid” is followed by TONS of good advice from people around the world; “If you’re going to be stupid, be smart about it.” or “If you’re going to be stupid you’ve got to be tough.” And even “If you’re going to be stupid, don’t complain about it.” My advice, Gem, is “If you’re going to be stupid, realize that your stupidity is actually just a state of open-minded-unknowing, which will be a primer for you to learn wonderfully in the upcoming weeks.”

Cancer: You’re familiar with the term “puppy love”, but what about “kitty love”? Clearly there is a difference between slobbering, dutiful, subordinate dogs and independent-minded, feisty, aloof cats on a personality level. Also, you never really see cats getting it on the way a dog will go for whatever leg or other animal is in it’s vicinity. Take it from me, kitty love is subtle, where as puppy love is….drooly. This week, Crabby, your relationship side takes a walk and comes back as an entirely different animal.

Leo: All is fair in Love and War, but the only things that are certain are Death and Taxes. Leo, these seemingly… unrelated clichés are actually part and parcel of the universal bitch slap (or… love tap) you are receiving this week

Virgo: This week I suggest learning how to say “I love you” in at least 10 different languages. This may be your chance to do some traveling and meet some foreigners, have a whirlwind love affair (and possibly return with more than some new stamps in your passport!) OR you may be about to meet an abundance of new people who are strange yet familiar to you. The latter is more likely, unless you are loaded and planning a trip. (and if you are, count me in.) ANYWAY, These “other countries” are going to yield incredible new experiences for you, just remember to bring along a pocket translator. You may even find yourself culture shocked. In a good way.

Libra: Happy V-D, Libra! Loosen up your buttons, because this year the stars have a big, fat, sloppy kiss that they want to plant on your face. As the saliva of the universe drips down your chin and lands with a decisive plop on the ground beneath your feet, you will suddenly feel irreversibly inspired re: relationships. This great and powerful reversal is the result of some built up tension. You will want to dance. You should put on heels and do so, no matter what gender you identify as. The whole place is shaking it’s booty with you!

Scorpio: Scorpio’s love-nest this year has been nothing if not Shakespearian. Sometimes it’s all like HO HO HO, comic jest and jubilee, and sometimes people are getting murdered and then going insane because they can’t wash the blood off their hands. Sometimes even still, your frolic in the jungles of love are completely influenced by a jocular spirit of some sort who just wants cause merry mischief. Fine. You’ve gotten used to it but you’ve forgotten that you are the one writing the story, not some dead poet or otherworldly minx. I suggest you take up the pen (far mightier than the sword) and start stabbing people with it… I mean… writing a story about the kind of love you want/need/deserve. That’s the first step to basically creating this person in your life, and don’t tell anyone that I told you THE SECRET of how to do this.

Sagittarius: Are you suffering from vague underlying dissatisfaction? Can your mate not please you the way you need to be please? Are you sick and tired of constant miscommunication, misinterpretations and misunderstandings? Well, Sagittarius, have I got the product for you. I bought it for you from a man who also tried to sell me some magic beans and the Brooklyn bridge. Since I tend to burn all of my bridges and beans make me gassy, I took this other thing. But I don’t really need it so I’m giving it to you. It’s called a magic do-over, and this week you can literally turn back time to whenever you wish and start from there. If your current relationship was better 3 years ago, REWIND. If you’d like to go back to being single, push the button and away you go! Or if you are still pining after the one that got away, now is your chance to reinvent the narrative that brought you here. Try it!

Capricorn: Your horoscope this week is focused around a quote apparently attributed to Gandhi, used also in my favorite song by TV on the Radio. “Love is the province of the brave.” This poignant quote gives me the chills! You should be getting them too. Are you brave, Capricorn? Sometimes bravery can be confused with stupidity (See Gemini’s horoscope for more on this.) But this week, you are in the province which teaches you to Love the most important person in your life, #1. That’s right, Cap, I don’t need to tell you who that is.

Aquarius: You should use the current star alignments to your advantage this week by continuing the celebration of valentines day for as long as you possibly can (hopefully, well into May.) Undertake the following activities in no particular order 1) write a love poem to the next person you see on the back of the next bathroom stall you are in (extra points if it’s deliciously erotic) 2) quit your job, become a rambling wanderer who hands out flowers and $20 bills on the freeway, 3) tell as many people you can in the course of the day that you love them and mean it 4) get a tattoo of your first boy/girlfriends favorite food on your ankle to remind you where you came from.

Pisces: Hi fish breath. This week you will meet someone who you THINK is your perfect match. All signs will point to yes. You will spend every day with them for about a month. You will want to introduce them to your family and make plans to do so. Everyone will be thrilled that you have found someone who can tolerate you. You’ll show up to dinner at your parents’ house and introduce your new com padre to everyone. During dinner it will somehow come out that this person actually was of the other gender 4 short months ago. Well, at least they feel like they can trust you enough to tell you the truth

http://teenageangst.wordpress.com

Aries: You answer your phone before the ring goes through, so that the person on the other end of the line is horrified as your thunderous guffaw comes clamoring through the sound waves before they’ve taken the in-breath to say “Hello.” Bottom line is that you scare people. Nevertheless, you may notice that this week your phone will have stopped ringing. Turns out that because you are so adept at anticipating the call that’s about to come through, the universe is now leaving it up to you to hunt down the signals and dial out. You see that whole phone thing was a metaphor, yes? But it’s also true in the purely physical world.

Taurus: If you were able to fast forward 50 years into the future, and glance back at the time that had elapsed, what would you sense yourself doing differently RIGHT NOW? I know this is a hard question to answer, my huffing, puffing, bull-headed friend, because you are not there yet, and because hindsight is 20/20 (so obviously you know you shouldn’t have done that thing which the judge called reasonable for a restraining order AFTER the fact.) But this week you’ve got to use that 7th sense you rarely engage called “imagination” to literally project yourself into your own future. Turns out that you might be making different choices starting today. If you do decide to alter the course you are on, I assure you that you will be thoroughly supported by all the right parties.

Gemini: “Now, my heart is full” croons world famous so-sad-he’s-happy-again Gemini, Morrissey. If you’re unfamiliar with the sort of emotive jungle that lead singer of The Smiths produces, let me introduce to you some other titles of songs that exemplify his twinly nature: “The More you Ignore me, The Closer I Get”, “We Hate it When our Friends Become Successful.” Not quite getting the message yet? Lets try “The World is Full of Crashing Bores”, “There’s a Place in Hell for Me and My Friends” “I am Hated for Loving” or “I Don’t Mind if You Don’t Love Me.” This week your life is like a Moz mixtape (old school represent) full of the sarcastic and the saccharine, the drippy and the dippy emotions of it all, with the best song saved for the very end. Whether it is “Trouble Loves Me” or “There is a Light that Never goes Out” depends on which twin is running the gauntlet.

Cancer: This week, you are acting like the type of person who my Grandpa would call “a promiser, but not a deliverer.” Lacking integrity and follow through, you are an embarrassment to yourself, according to Frankie Z. That man took 19 bullets from a machine gun in the arm during WW2 after spending 59 days in a foxhole and then crawling along the communication wire to safety. He has 3 pacemakers and survived a stroke that caused doctors to say he’d never walk gain (he is currently walking.) My point, Cancer, besides the fact that he is a Cancer as well, is that you are acting like someone you are not, letting bad habits take over because you are getting lazy. Take a lesson from Gramps and repeat this mantra in the coming 7 days “If it’s got to be, it’s up to me.”

Leo: I don’t have to be the one who tells you that what you put into any situation is indicative of what you will get out of it, right, Leo? I mean you kinda, sorta get the whole law of cause and effect thing. I never usually have to talk to you about it, because you are guided by your own intuitive and generally well natured light, but this week, something in your lopsided brain has short circuited and your actions are proportionately hay-wire as a result. You may be putting your effort into something that has no foreseeable payoff, or obsessing over a passing comment from a rambling subway prophet. Either way, you are injecting your energy into holes that lead nowhere.

Virgo: ITS THE REMIXXXX. Since you are usually the master emcee and DJ of your existence anyway, Virgo, this week you have the green light from the universe to really get down, get dirty, and start messing around with the nuances that make the song of your life take on a whole new level. Add sounds you’d like to hear most in the next few months: new lovers calling, money rolling right in, a trip to some sexxy locale that you have never seen, and all sorts of healing and new adventures. But please, please, please, get a little creative and subversive. Don’t play the same old boring crap you’ve been listening to for the past 2 years. Sources say that if you really drop a beat that inspires the heavens it’s a very auspicious time to attract exactly what you call out from the universe.

Libra: Your intuition is dead-on recently, Libra, so if you smell something creeping up on you this week, you’re going to have to take direct and applied effort with force. Tony Robbins, the chest-beating power-talker who motivates millions of people with his tactics calls this precise and early action “killing the monster while it’s a baby.” If something is started to fester along with the skeletons you sloppily stash in your secret closet, you should work on getting rid of it now before it starts to get hungry. Then you will spend all day and night cooking for it, because you’re a push-over and can’t resist taking care of something even if it is killing you.

Scorpio: If you have learned ANYTHING in the past year, Scorpio, it is that you must never deliberately hand over your power to beings or energy other than yourself. Unless of course it is a direct decision that you have fully thought through and processed. To aide you this week in deciphering whether the situation currently rotating in your sphere deserves your attention, you must Call it by it’s name. By that, I may mean to literally say out-loud what you believe is going on here, or I may mean that you must address it directly, like you should when dealing with a ghost, asking it expressly what it’s intentions are. If it is unworthy of your time, it will just vanish after you have faced it. If it is something you need to tango with, you will be the owner of your power for good.

Sagittarius: This week Sag, I have an assignment for you. Look back on the years 2006-2007 and with a fine toothed comb, go over your actions into two piles: Good Karma and Sloppy Karma. Notice that I didn’t use the word BAD for the opposite of Good, Sag, because I truly believe that of all the signs your intentions are rarely ill or malicious, but since you do tend to act without a thought crossing the desert of your mind, you have surely accumulated some messy effects following you around. If you can identify any and make immediate means to correct them, you might get a little kickback into the Good pile. But if you don’t have the attention span to make this effort, 2008 will surely bring your actions to your doorstep like a girl scout to whom you owe money.

Capricorn: Ok, crash course in Buddhist philosophy for the sake of your scope this week, Caps. Nirvana is the ultimate and attainable state in which the mind is free from all delusions and attachments that litter the world and cause suffering. Samsara is literally the world of suffering and delusion and all of it’s hooks and facets. Now riddle me this, my sea-goat friend who apparently straddles the world of land and water: There are many experts on the subject who believe that Nirvana and Samsara are not two separate worlds, but completely interconnected, interwoven facets of the same. Nirvana and Samsara are one. Wha? Can you explain this to me? Or to yourself? If you do, then you will get the message.

Aquarius: Learning a new dance (or most other skills) requires the neophyte student to look like a moron for a little while. Why is this? Because obviously we can’t all be naturally prodigious at what we set out to do. This week, Aquarius, you must allow yourself to be the fool, the beginner, the learner, the dumb one who looks like they have two left feet. If you stick with the path you are now traversing, not only will you gain exponential new knowledge, but you’ll soon be the expert you set out to become. Ignore the laughter of those who do not even dare to try.

Pisces: Believe it, baby, the tides are changing for the fish. Read between the lines, slimy, you are entering a phase where you will be swimming upstream if you have been meandering down, or vice versa. Since the fish is dual natured (which means they lie,) You will suddenly realize that no matter which direction you are actually going in, you cannot escape yourself. Nice try, though. Actually, nice tries, since you’ve been attempting to do so for your entire life. So starts the next 12 year stretch of fooling yourself into submission.