Well it’s that time of year again. Love is in the air, mingling suspiciously with all the other shit up there like satellites, wire tapping devices, alien galaxies, ozone holes and disappointment. It’s a wonder anyone can get a whiff of the stuff. As David Bowie said, “Don’t believe in modern love.” Believe, instead, that your February Fools day (er, I mean Valentines day) will be the best ever this year because at the end of the day, you love yourself more than anyone or thing else. And that’s cool, more than likely you’re the only one who has to put up with you, anyway.
The Zodiac, of course, has nothing to say about Love in all of it’s rampant samplings. Just kidding, it totally does.
Good luck in the 3 ring circus of relationships this year, here’s hoping you back the right horse (and no, that doesn’t mean what you think it does, gutter-brain.)
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Aries: Frank Bidart, a poet I’ve personally never heard of, wrote a line that I stole for your horoscope this week, Aries (whatever, yo, good artists borrow, great artists steal.) “then the voice in my head said WHETHER YOU LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE OR LIVE IN DIVIDED CEASELESS REVOLT AGAINST IT, WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE.” This could not be more apropos at anytime than it is RIGHT NOW. Can you see the urgency in the caps lock? This year, what you love will shape your life in ways you never actually imagined, and I think you’ll be quite pleased that you never had the foresight to guess, even though you don’t like surprises (they make you trigger happy.)
Taurus: Did you know that every relationship in your life is actually an external projection of your relationship with yourself? No, it’s true, and if people realized this and stopped inflicting their damaged, ill-developed self-relationships on others, the world would be a much happier place. That’s what I think anyway, and also why I tend to stay out of relationships. But it isn’t just the LOVE kind, Taurus, it’s all the other kinds too. Are there people in your life who you can’t stand for some reason? It’s actually something about yourself you can’t stand and so you need a convenient scapegoat to work out your angst on. Flipside is also true: that person you adore has qualities in your blindsided self that you want to nurture and encourage. Think about that, this week.
Gemini: Dearest double-the-trouble, double-the-fun twins. Vincent Van Gogh may have once said “You’ve got to love what you love.” He might have continued that phrase by saying “Even if you are being stupid.” This week, I want to help you navigate your supposed love-leads-to-stupidity, so I turned to Google. The phrase “If you’re going to be stupid” is followed by TONS of good advice from people around the world; “If you’re going to be stupid, be smart about it.” or “If you’re going to be stupid you’ve got to be tough.” And even “If you’re going to be stupid, don’t complain about it.” My advice, Gem, is “If you’re going to be stupid, realize that your stupidity is actually just a state of open-minded-unknowing, which will be a primer for you to learn wonderfully in the upcoming weeks.”
Cancer: You’re familiar with the term “puppy love”, but what about “kitty love”? Clearly there is a difference between slobbering, dutiful, subordinate dogs and independent-minded, feisty, aloof cats on a personality level. Also, you never really see cats getting it on the way a dog will go for whatever leg or other animal is in it’s vicinity. Take it from me, kitty love is subtle, where as puppy love is….drooly. This week, Crabby, your relationship side takes a walk and comes back as an entirely different animal.
Leo: All is fair in Love and War, but the only things that are certain are Death and Taxes. Leo, these seemingly… unrelated clichés are actually part and parcel of the universal bitch slap (or… love tap) you are receiving this week
Virgo: This week I suggest learning how to say “I love you” in at least 10 different languages. This may be your chance to do some traveling and meet some foreigners, have a whirlwind love affair (and possibly return with more than some new stamps in your passport!) OR you may be about to meet an abundance of new people who are strange yet familiar to you. The latter is more likely, unless you are loaded and planning a trip. (and if you are, count me in.) ANYWAY, These “other countries” are going to yield incredible new experiences for you, just remember to bring along a pocket translator. You may even find yourself culture shocked. In a good way.
Libra: Happy V-D, Libra! Loosen up your buttons, because this year the stars have a big, fat, sloppy kiss that they want to plant on your face. As the saliva of the universe drips down your chin and lands with a decisive plop on the ground beneath your feet, you will suddenly feel irreversibly inspired re: relationships. This great and powerful reversal is the result of some built up tension. You will want to dance. You should put on heels and do so, no matter what gender you identify as. The whole place is shaking it’s booty with you!
Scorpio: Scorpio’s love-nest this year has been nothing if not Shakespearian. Sometimes it’s all like HO HO HO, comic jest and jubilee, and sometimes people are getting murdered and then going insane because they can’t wash the blood off their hands. Sometimes even still, your frolic in the jungles of love are completely influenced by a jocular spirit of some sort who just wants cause merry mischief. Fine. You’ve gotten used to it but you’ve forgotten that you are the one writing the story, not some dead poet or otherworldly minx. I suggest you take up the pen (far mightier than the sword) and start stabbing people with it… I mean… writing a story about the kind of love you want/need/deserve. That’s the first step to basically creating this person in your life, and don’t tell anyone that I told you THE SECRET of how to do this.
Sagittarius: Are you suffering from vague underlying dissatisfaction? Can your mate not please you the way you need to be please? Are you sick and tired of constant miscommunication, misinterpretations and misunderstandings? Well, Sagittarius, have I got the product for you. I bought it for you from a man who also tried to sell me some magic beans and the Brooklyn bridge. Since I tend to burn all of my bridges and beans make me gassy, I took this other thing. But I don’t really need it so I’m giving it to you. It’s called a magic do-over, and this week you can literally turn back time to whenever you wish and start from there. If your current relationship was better 3 years ago, REWIND. If you’d like to go back to being single, push the button and away you go! Or if you are still pining after the one that got away, now is your chance to reinvent the narrative that brought you here. Try it!
Capricorn: Your horoscope this week is focused around a quote apparently attributed to Gandhi, used also in my favorite song by TV on the Radio. “Love is the province of the brave.” This poignant quote gives me the chills! You should be getting them too. Are you brave, Capricorn? Sometimes bravery can be confused with stupidity (See Gemini’s horoscope for more on this.) But this week, you are in the province which teaches you to Love the most important person in your life, #1. That’s right, Cap, I don’t need to tell you who that is.
Aquarius: You should use the current star alignments to your advantage this week by continuing the celebration of valentines day for as long as you possibly can (hopefully, well into May.) Undertake the following activities in no particular order 1) write a love poem to the next person you see on the back of the next bathroom stall you are in (extra points if it’s deliciously erotic) 2) quit your job, become a rambling wanderer who hands out flowers and $20 bills on the freeway, 3) tell as many people you can in the course of the day that you love them and mean it 4) get a tattoo of your first boy/girlfriends favorite food on your ankle to remind you where you came from.
Pisces: Hi fish breath. This week you will meet someone who you THINK is your perfect match. All signs will point to yes. You will spend every day with them for about a month. You will want to introduce them to your family and make plans to do so. Everyone will be thrilled that you have found someone who can tolerate you. You’ll show up to dinner at your parents’ house and introduce your new com padre to everyone. During dinner it will somehow come out that this person actually was of the other gender 4 short months ago. Well, at least they feel like they can trust you enough to tell you the truth
