Greetings, my fellow starf*ckers! With the news of this sassy new sign busting onto the scene and yourself possibly NOT being the sign you’ve thought you were your whole life, it’s kind of like finding out you MIGHT be adopted, I know. And you’re sitting there, endlessly combing google and twitter, wondering WTF does all this mean for me????
For anyone who is curious as to WHY the sun is seeming to pass through a different sign than the one that you read your horoscopes for, here is a little physics lesson: The earth wobbles (thanks, big bang!), and the tilt has caused us to see the sun pass through a different sign form our teeny tiny perspective. Oh, this has happened for the last 2000 years, by the way. But now… some “scientists” in “Minnesota” are saying that I am not actually a Gemini… I’m a TAURUS?? Jeez, well if I weren’t already a walking Identity crisis, this would sure as hell cause one! And because Lindsay Lohan hasn’t had her annual Cancerian substance abuse meltdown, we needed something to sensationalize. LiLO, get back on track! We need to get back to zodialogical bizness as usual.
Tired of the tyranny of just having to be one astrological sign? Ready to trade in your ram horns for a set of fish fins? Just in case any of you are actually LOOKING for the opportunity to jump ship to a new sign (I know, Pisces) I’ve developed a cheat sheet for ya, so you know what you’ll be getting yourself into. Though most people I’ve spoken to regarding their possible “new sign” ADAMANTLY pronounce that they cannot be swayed, if you get a good deal, you should probably take it!
PS: If I have to be a Taurus now, I am taking Morrissey with me, then you’re ALL in trouble.
Plan to defect, but remember, hell is other people. I’ll stick with the devil I know.
SO YOU USED TO BE AN…. ARIES: Blood lust, black eyes, constant confrontations… for fun!
TRADE UP FOR A… PISCES: The chum in the water at a feeding frenzy. Fish food, or, thanks to your compulsive use of psychedelics…. Phish food!
SO YOU USED TO BE A… TAURUS: Stubborn (prefer to call it stable) and solid, study and reliable. A lover of all things beautiful and peaceful.
TRADE UP fOR AN…. ARIES: Self obsessed trigger happy lunatic. You will now burn down your own house if left alone.
SO YOU USED TO BE A…. GEMINI: Flirty, flighty social butterfly without a net, free to roam here and there with no consequence, as long as you do your job and deliver the messages you pick up in your travels.
TRADE UP FOR A…. TAURUS: The most boring sign in the entire zodiac. Also a hoarder.
SO YOU USED TO BE A….CANCER: Intuitive homebody who loves to nurture those around you.
TRADE UP FOR A ….. GEMINI: Hollowed out shell of a schizophrenic with no emotion and 103848940397290 distractions to tend to, daily.
SO YOU USED TO BE A… LEO: King of the jungle, life of the party, aint no party like a LEO party!
TRADE UP FOR A….. CANCER: Asleep in their own bed by 10pm everynight because their mother MIGHT have told them to do that 30 years ago (she’s so mean sometimes!)
SO YOU USED TO BE A….VIRGO: “Meticulous, attention to detail, self starter, go-getter” (I stole that from an Executive Assistant ad on Craigslist)
TRADE UP FOR A….LEO: Raging, sloppy, alcoholic despot who trashes hotel rooms when left to their own devices.
SO YOU USED TO BE A….. LIBRA: Fair and balanced (but unlike fox news, really) view of the world at large and secret love of the arts
TRADE UP FOR A…. VIRGO: Tirelessly hypercritical analysis of every waking breath for the rest of eternity.
SO YOU USED TO BE A….SCORPIO: King of the underworld, unlimited powers of regeneration.
TRADE UP FOR A….LIBRA: Can’t make a decision, unnatural obsession with cupcakes.
SO YOU USED TO BE A SAGITTARIUS: Expansion daily, life = party harty
TRADE UP FOR A…. SCORPIO: Death knell daily, life = devastating evil lurking in the shadows.
OR
TRADE UP FOR…. OPHINCHUS!!!: Now is your chance to be the new kid who NO BODY knows yet! Ophiuchus, you have Geminis casing you world wide. You’re like an exchange student from a distant place, we’re not sure if you’re cool yet.
SO YOU USED TO BE A….CAPRICORN: Hard working, socially adept, most likely to succeed.
TRADE UP FOR A…. SAGITTARIUS: Half-a-horse with foot-in-mouth disease. Disaster.
SO YOU USED TO BE AN…. AQUARIUS: Above all of this, really.
TRADE UP FOR A….CAPRICORN: Half-a-goat with a Christ complex.
SO YOU USED TO BE A… PISCES: The only sign that “gets” all of this.
TRADE UP FOR AN… AQUARIUS: The only sign that doesn’t buy ANY of this.
