Hey remember when I used to write horoscopes? Well like any good Gemini I obviously lose interest in anything that doesn’t make me rich/famous in roughly 1 month. Alas, you really should learn to carry loose expectations from most things in life, especially when they are run by certain signs that have tendencies to grift or con.
Which brings me to a point…. WARNING SIGNS. last time I spoke about the shadow side of the signs, but who wants to actually have to get to know someone before you can stereotype them? Sheesh, that’s why stereotypes exist, they’re like a universal cheat sheet. Getting to know someone’s sign right away can save you a heck of a lot of time and energy, which you can later use to figure out more important life dramas, for ex, if Pinkberry is made entirely out of chemicals or not.
Lets say you have a date with a Scorpio and they invite you up to their place…start looking for under the bed restraint systems. Or a Leo… make sure that when they are gazing into your eyes, they aren’t just checking their reflection. Like astrological forensics in the crime scene of personal relationship, you can set up the scene before it even happens. Later it may be useful to figure out which direction the bullets came from. Especially if it’s Aries you’re dealing with.
Feel free to ask Queen Be about your potential mate, and I will be happy to supply you with a profile of their psycho tendencies before you have to learn it the hard way. If you do decide to write to me with your curiosities over behavior patterns in your sign or others, you may find your letter published (anonymously, of course) in a future Horrorscope. Please include your own sign so I know what particular brand of “crazy” I’m dealing with.
Well, here are your horrorscopes, because you keep asking me for them, and because I don’t have any other job to do that’s more important, and because I secretly have a crush on all of you.
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Aries: You are feeling extremely lucky these days, as if someone strapped a live rabbits foot (still alive=more lucky for the rabbit) to a grenade and launched it into your life, exploding blessings all over the place. Usually, you are the one with the heavy artillery practicing the “offense is better than defense” tactic, but in this case you welcome the beneficence of the universe. This unexpected good luck thing is set to last for at least another month, so do all of your dangerous activities before the summer is up. Don’t worry, they’re still risky, as not to lose their excitement.
Taurus: Whoa there, sloppy joe… someone has let their slip show a little more than usual these days.Are you not caring so much about how others see you? Well good, because “hell is other people”, anyway. I take it this is a misguided attempt to accept yourself as you actually are, ungainly and all. That’s a good thing, but let me speak for the rest of the 11 signs that have to share subways, beds and supermarket lines with you…don’t let it affect personal hygiene. K, thanks.
Gemini: Oh you naughty little thing you, Gemini. You are just taking every opportunity to flirt these days and it may get you into trouble in the imminent future. Depending on which sign you are trying to slip the proverbial tongue to, that trouble may just turn into foreplay; otherwise it could break up families. You don’t care either way, because you care about no one but yourself at the end of the day.
Cancer: My “sources” are telling me that you are having a little trouble on the “money” or “career” front. I don’t know if this is because you have stopped going to work, or if it’s just a metaphor for not really wanting to keep going down the path you have set off on. This is a temporary set back. Might I recommend unemployment? Of, if like 33% of the rest of us you already ARE living off the gov’t, why not take this time to really consider what you’d like to devote your working self towards in the next year. Does it take into account your dashing good looks and talent? Well, consider that those are things people rarely get paid for.
Leo: If you could see me right now, Leo, I’d be rubbing my hands together in glee for the adventure of a lifetime is about to start for you. Are you properly stocked with all you may need to survive this road that will literally appear out of nowhere as though they finished paving it yesterday, just for you. Please keep this in mind, though… this temporary road is just that… temporary, and as you walk down it, the path from your old life is liable to disappear behind you. This is exciting but could be a scare. Be brave, you are already resourceful (at using other people’s resources.) So you’ll be fine.
Virgo: Once again, Virgo this week you will find that whining, nagging voice inside your head (that sounds suspiciously like your own voice,) nitpicking you into a coma, sapping and sucking all of the will to live that you have. To counter this, you will plan a vacation until you suddenly come to the realization that “Wherever you go, there you are.” You will begin a 4 month long project to cut all inefficient and undesirable parts of yourself out, like sawing off a gangrenous leg. Good luck.
Libra: This next month is going to be very interesting for Libra, in a “holy crap, didn’t see that one coming” sort of way. This is good because your life has been like watching documentaries in other languages with no subtitles recently: in short, confusing and boring. The sudden, unexpected upheaval of everything you know will be excited. Don’t over-eat in response to it. You’ll only hate yourself later.
Scorpio: Where are you, Scorpio? Out free floating in oblivion, kinda half in between anywhere worth mentioning and the unknown void? You’re pretty comfortable in the terrifying purgatory that most of the rest of us shiver to even think of, but don’t get TOO comfortable there, Scorp. You’ve got a lot to do and a short amount of time to do it in, so crack a whip and get that sexy ass moving before a wall falls in on you and you have no one but yourself to blame.
Sagittarius: This week I will refer you to a line from an Allen Ginsberg poem that you might know, called “Howl”. In this poem Ginsberg speaks of his friends “who threw their watches off the roof to cast their ballot for Eternity outside of Time, & alarm clocks fell on their heads every day for the next decade.” Unless you would like a similar fate, you will take Time and the fact that it is still ticking into account in any major decisions this month.
Capricorn: Ever wonder, Capricorn, what could have happened… “if?” If you hadn’t have settled into that boring, monotonous hell hole of a job, or crashed and burned through unfulfilled relationship one after the next because you didn’t want to be alone? Well this month you will have the chance to literally see what could have happened “if”, as you are presented with the opportunity to have a life-reversal, settling karmic debts without overdrafting, and moving forward from there. Sweet life!
Aquarius: You usually scare me, Aquarius, as you are a loose cannon of sorts, hidden underneath a collected exterior. Like a live bomb, people try to diffuse you and end up cutting the wrong cord and BOOM. That’s the end of that chapter. My guess is that this month you will be reckoning with some folks from the past who have crawled through the wreckage you left and now want back into your life. It’s up to you whether or not you take them in to your adoring arms again.
Pisces: Ah Pisces, once again I have pulled your scope off the bottom of my shoe. It says, much like a fortune cookie covered in dirt, to watch where you step this month. No particular bombshells to drop on you at the moment, but you never know who is lurking around the corner waiting to take advantage of your highly take-advantageable nature. That being said, maybe you should make sure that isn’t happening currently in your life before you get yourself into any worse of a situation than you usually find yourself in.
