What is it about the cosmos that some days you don’t want to do a damn thing. Take, for example these horoscopes which my vacillating Gemini ass has failed to produce on time this week (or last week at all but whose counting? Taurus is.)
Whelp, better late than pregnant, I always say. I’ll tell you what, since I skipped last week due to a terrible stomach problem (not pregnancy, but thanks for your concern) I will not only drop you right into the thick of it, I will dole out an extra heaping, steaming serving of delectable astrological goodness. Don’t say I never gave you anything.
APRIL FOOLS! I would bust my hump trying to make you feel satisfied, but I don’t care enough. Gee, all this talk about pregnancy and humping is making me hungry. Have a cupcake and I’ll see you next week.
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Aries: Style. Grace. Composure. These things are highly overrated. (Unless you are Coco Chanel) But, you’re not. So wouldn’t you rather go trampling through life like an elephant over a delicate flowerbed? At least then, you would have left your mark (albeit by destroying everything in sight.) This week, instead of just mindlessly stampeding like you usually do, stop to think about the value of destruction and how you can amplify it to it’s highest degree. You can get a lot more out of it than you have in the past.
Taurus: When sleeping beauty pricked her finger and passed out it took like 100 years for the prince to find her and wake her up. No one even noticed that the time passed because they were all asleep too. The moral of this story is that if you are waiting around for something, you must just keep waiting because it will only happen in it’s good time. And if people are annoying you, you can just pretend you are asleep and they will go away. Read deeper into this, Taurus, everything I say means something else, you know.
Gemini: Let’s play a quick game of Would you rather. Just say whatever comes to your head. OK, would you rather be lost in a foreign country with no money or wake up tomorrow having spontaneously forgotten the English language? I ask you this because a similar situation is about to occur in your life, one way or another. Here’s the trick though, as soon as you figure out which one you would rather be prepared for, the other will be called into existence. You of all people should appreciate this element of surprise as you often do not let your left hand know what your right hand is stealing.
Cancer: Sometimes, there are no right or wrong answers. But other times there are both right AND wrong answers, and you are hopelessly plundering through existence thinking things that fall in category B are actually in category A. Wrong. This is one of those times. And that means that you lose. So what do you lose? Well, it could be that status you have worked so hard to gain over the past few months, or the respect of an influential person who had for some reason looked kindly upon you. Either way you will feel like you are back to square one this week. Sorry, I’m just the messenger here.
Leo: Is it me, or are horoscopes generally bullshit? Well, anyway, I’m not going to complain or I’d be out of a (non-paying) job (that I just do for “fun.”) Here’s why this should mean something to you, Leo: There are a great many things occurring in your life that serve no visible purpose whatsoever. BUT if you feel like you should get rid of them or quit, or go in another direction you are sorely mistaken. These things (events, people, minor complications) are a doorways to directions your life has not yet begun to take. So pay closer attention before they start slamming in your face and you’re right back here again.
Virgo: You are a big steaming bundle of energy these days, bouncing here, there, everywhere and most especially in places where you are not welcome. The problem is that in the school of life, you are being tested in an epic kinda way right now so take note: what you do and what you bring to the people around you in the next few weeks will determine what could be the next few years of your life. You don’t want any nasty hanger-ons, so here’s a cheat sheet: be nice to your mother-in-law, police officers, mail carriers, creditors and your boss. Otherwise tell everyone else where to go, you know, if the mood strikes you.
Libra: If the signs got together this week for a dinner party, you bet your bottom dollar Libra would not only be the hostess, but the first one on top of the table dancing with the boss (or other inappropriate character) But you can also be sure that after all of the drunken antics were displayed, most everyone would be charmed by Libra and her daring audacity, her panache, her style (ignore what I said in Aries’ horo) not to mention her homemade crab puffs. Everyone loves her! Se magnifique!
Scorpio: I was reading a very interesting theory about how the story of Jesus and his disciples is simply an elaborate metaphor for the sun and the 12 signs of the zodiac. Um? This solar astrological attempt to up-end the basis of a major religion may be an oversimplification but there is something to be said for the fact that maybe the most important things are simply signs, signifier, symbols, and metaphors for something deeper. Do a little detective work this week and find out what meanings you have ascribed certain things. (PS, my boss was just screaming “Paper tigers! Paper tigers!” Look most especially at the paper tigers in your life.)
Sagittarius: Word to the Warning, Sagit: The main players in your life are about to go on strike like ill paid union workers. It seems that these paeans never get what they want and then start whining, and want YOU to do something about it! Like, who elected you leader of everything and everyone in the world? And did you even want the position? Well, someone did, but you’ve got troubles of your own this week Sag, I’m sensing that they have to do with family. So tell these minions who grovel for your attention and fix-it-ness to figure things out for themselves.
Capricorn: 1 little, 2 little, 3 little Capricorns. Cap, it seems that you are having a bit of a split personality issue this week– either because you can’t make up your mind about something or because you just don’t want to. Your hyper vacillation is making everyone dizzy. When your partner drops to the floor and has a seizure you can blame no one but yourself for dashing back and forth in your opinion of them so wildly in such a short period of time… you’ve directly contributed to their bursting artery.
Aquarius: Worse comes to worse, Aquarius, you can always find inspiration in the news. Today I read that China and Russia will join together for a mission to Mars in 2009. Well isn’t that a great example of what happens when you work together with your neighbor? Of course, it helps if you have similar ideology (like picking on Pisces or say, communism.) There are so many various, slapstick people in your life that it would not be hard for you to find a partner in crime, perhaps even one willing to do your dirty work. Look closely at your admirers and start fleecing them out one by one.
Pisces: Sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down, Pisces, and more often than not you are riding on that great wave appreciating neither crest nor trough. This week you’re trying to skate by doing as little work possible and I’ll tell you what, it will work (if only for this 7 day window.) Why? Because every so often the great cosmic clusterfuck that is existence looks the other way, giving us the FEELING that we are invincible. Enjoy it, Pisces, you’ve been slogging around recently like you have got nothing to lose. Turns out you have nothing at all. Whoops.
