Dear dead white men (aka Presidents of America past),
You know what they say about talking politics. Which makes it the only thing I want to talk about.
I don’t really care intimately about politics, but something about elections really turns me on (no, I’m not confusing the L in the word with an R.) I like the, je ne se quois, battle royale that results from the massive ego parade (or charade) that encompasses the dog-and-pony show of American politics. But duh, that has plenty to do with astrology, so I decided in my spare time at work on this supposed holiday (thanks a bundle, corporate USA. Bank holiday, my ass) surveying the signs of leaders we have chosen in the past through direct government participation. Are there more Leos (born pied-pipers), more Geminis (born muckrakers) more Capricorns (born spin-doctors) or more Scorpios (born black-regime influxers)? I’ll let you know. To be honest, every sign has something tactical to offer in the Art of War that is rising to political power. Virgos will implant secret listening devices in the oval office, Libras will chain themselves to trees, Aries will bash skulls, people like Cancers for no good reason (still can’t figure out why.) Can’t you see how they all cancel each other out? War is hell, but so is Peace.
Here are some horoscopes for you because, no politicking involved, I like you all equally.
Aries: Every time I watch 24 and my heart goes pitter-patter for Jack Bauer, I think of Aries. Why? Because only an Aries would be dumb and thrill hungry enough to risk their existence at every turn. Only an Aries would be cocky enough to KNOW that he wouldn’t end up dead at the end of it all (every time) and actually be right. But only an Aries would do such a good job of it. I wonder how much he gets paid?
Taurus: I will give you three good reasons why you can’t give up now: 1) because if you do, you’ll never know what might have happened. 2) because a lot of people are waiting to see the outcome of this particular endeavor and 3) because even though you are going to fall flat on your face and beg time to reverse itself, in the end it will all be worth something priceless. Isn’t that comforting?
Gemini: You’re starting to look tired from all of the plates you’ve been juggling for the past month or so. My guess is that you are going to let them all drop, even though you are terrified of loud noises. As the porcelain shatters into unseeable shards, you will have to keep in mind a paraphrasing of an old Italian proverb “When you scatter sharp things, don’t go barefoot.” Of course, not going anywhere is nearly impossible for you, as you are quite fond of another proverb, “It’s harder to hit a moving target.”
Cancer: What the devil is up with you these days, Cancer? You are like a slap-happy 3 year old with their finger on the button that releases the WMD. Are you looking to blow it all to smithereens so you can start fresh? Are you tempted to annihilate all of the past so that you have a clean slate? Someone is coming into your life to help you do this, but they are asking for a high price in return. What’s it worth to you?
Leo: Christ on a crackerjack, is Britney Spears starting to scare the goodness out of me. I mean what is the Buddhist Nun look she is running around town with? Is she having some sort of psychotic break? Leo, this week people may be wondering the same thing about you… due to your recent proclamation to be just as you are, however that may turn out. The bigger the mess, the better the press, I always say.
Virgo: Dearest Virgo, if life were an epic poem, right now you’d be trampled under the foot of an ogre, or left on an island of pigs to die (speaking of which, happy Chinese New Year.) The point is that due to circumstances beyond your “control,” someone, or some THING is getting the best of you. Whatever it is, you must identify it, label it as such, and toss it out with tomorrow’s trash. Or better yet, recycle it!
Libra: I know you are getting a little fed up with a certain sitch that has been aimlessly bouncing around your sphere. You know that you are getting fed up with this sitch, as well. Well, maybe not fed up so much as tragically bored. Make like an old timey actress and throw all of your clothes around your room (if it’s your wardrobe) or throw a fit at work (if it’s your job) or throw your boyfriend’s clothes out the window (if it’s him.) We’ll all have a good laugh and start again.
Scorpio: There is an old Arabic saying “If it happens once, it will never happen again. But if it happens twice, it’s sure to happen a third time.” Since I am convinced that you intuitively control every aspect of your life, all you have to do this week is decide whether or not you want whatever just happened to occur again. If so, go ahead and call it up for round 2. Round 3 is sure to follow.
Sagittarius: Well, we’ve clearly spoken before about your foot-in-mouth tendencies, but this week you’re going to be really aware of just how good your own toes seem to taste. The reason I say this, Sag, is because you seem to keep jamming that old hoof in the rooter with no regard for poise or manners. And at the dinner table! It’s ok though. That’s just you. We’ve all come to love that fact.
Capricorn: Morissey (who is a Gemini, btw) has made a career out of complaining. What a way to turn misery into millions, and with such panache. Take a page from this gloomy crooner’s book this week and start a karaoke pity-party. Can’t find something to complain about? You’re not looking hard enough! Use that dogged work ethic to really seek out the things in your life that bug you still and start spewing (er, singing). Invite others, and spike the punch.
Aquarius: Viva le revolution! Aquarius is making big, bigger, BIGGEST changes this week due to some good patterns of fate, luck, hard work, whatever. You have every opp to make this one of the best weeks ever for a like, totally new you. Do yourself a favor and don’t just get a haircut or something. I mean, do get a haircut, certainly. You’ve let that slip for a while now and people are wondering why you have surrendered personal hygiene to a dismal status quo that has subsisted for far too long now.
Pisces: “Active listening” is a term used to describe pretty much parroting back whatever someone says to you so that you are both assured the message has cleared. Communication is hard stuff Pisces, do us a favor and leave the leg work to the pros (Gem, Virgo, Aquarius) This week, your social experiment of active listening will leave you looking like you have a stuttering problem, or don’t understand English very well.
