Welcome back to the horoshow. This week may prove to be as exciting as stepping on an active bee-hive. As Mercury turns retro for the first time in 2007 you can expect that emails will end up in the wrong hands (sorry, mom, didn’t mean for you to read that,) your commute will be an absolute nightmare, and you’ll have the general feeling of not quite being able to say whatever it is you want to say to your future ex-boy/girlfriend on the lovely collectively inane vomit-oliday known as VALENTINES.
Speaking of which, I will impart upon you a piece of wisdom from an absolutely charming man who I was lucky enough not to be dating at the time; “Love is like a joke that no one understands, but everyone thinks is funny” Well, aint that like the oracle just opened up and shone the answer to all of your questions of existence down upon Earth?
Let me suggest that this year, for this day designed to make you feel like a loser if you aren’t in a relationship, you make a vow of commitment to marry yourself. Whether or not you are in a relationship is both temporary and meaningless to me. Commit to never leave yourself, and let the love flow, baby. It may be all you have in the end.
On that cynical but secretly uplifting note, here are your scopes for the week of 2/12/07. Short and painful, like most relationships I’ve had. JK, future ex-boy/girlfriend.
Aries: Big changes in the Aries world. Like turning the sand over and starting again, this cosmetic surgery of existence that you’ve been applying to your life recently will make you feel hot to trot for a short period of time. Then suddenly, the wrinkles manage to show back up. Be as Susan Lucci and just do it more often. As long as no one looks at your hands, they’ll never know how old you really are.
Taurus: Want to go out on a date Taurus? Nah, nevermind, you’ve been so self involved recently I can’t stand it, and certainly would not want to sit and listen to you ramble about all of your recent qualms and accomplishments. Heartless, moi? Never. It’s just time to kick it up a notch and get yourself into some entanglements that make for better stories. That way, people will actually want to hear what you’ve got to say.
Gemini: Go forth into the world this week and be mighty careful what it is that you say, and who you say it to. Here’s the big question: the walls have ears, but do they also have mouths? No one has figured that out yet, but you can be sure that if your back talking, back stabbing ways are on the front page by the morning, you have a leak amongst your confidantes.
Cancer: You handsome devil, you are attracting the kind of attention that you so desperately want right now. But sometimes I wonder that if you get what you want, will it be all it’s cracked up to be? That is to say, if you look back at your life and realize that you really have gotten everything you desired, and you’re still miserable, what should you do differently?
Leo: Ring ring, Leo, Karma calling and it’s time for you to cash out on a certain relationship that no longer serves you. It’s always hard to identify these, because often they’re the ones you are most co-dependent on. Trust me it will be better for all in the end. Besides, you’ve been lending money to this person for as long as you can remember and you have not yet realized that they are never gonna “get ya back” like they keep saying.
Virgo: You know what really annoys me, Virgo? That style of IM writing employed by 15-18 year old girls that extends the end of any sentence, so that in your head all you hear is a whiny trail off. You know what else is like, so annoyingggg? The fact that as much as I hate this, I do it tooooo. Virgo, is there something like that in your life? That you hate like sososososo much, but can’t stop doing it yourself??? Wtfff
Libra: Like the sign that welcomes you to Brooklyn, you should believe the hype, Libra. Why? Because it creates a friction, and the question becomes, which hype should you actually believe? The good hype (BK is so rad, so rock and roll, so gritty cool) or the bad hype (Ghetto, smelly, almost as overpriced as Manhattan and crawling with hipster scum) Well I suppose the choice is to love what you got, or move to Queens. Ew.
Scorpio: Once again you are at the center of attention. This week you can either use your powers to brainwash the masses to do your bidding (it’s so painfully easy,) or spread a positive message that brings all of humanity that you come in contact with up a proverbial notch. I can’t guarantee they will stay at the level you’ve lifted them to, but then again what are you expecting?
Sagittarius: I’m quite sure that if anyone gets the good luck gift this week, it’s Sag. Well, lucky pants, enjoy it while it lasts, because it is probably short lived Really though, enjoy it. It’s good news about a future event, which may or may not turn out the way you hope it will. Then again if you have no illusions re: this future event, you won’t be disappointed.
Capricorn: Cap’s had a run of strange occurrences, haven’t you my friend? Well, like a hurricane, the damage is done, now it’s time to clean up. Don’t look around for help from any external sources. Much like a certain hurricane, people would rather pretend you do not exist and let you suss out the aftermath yourself. Still have those harvested resources you’ve been hoarding? You’re gonna need them.
Aquarius: Open your eyes my water bearing pal, all around you are people that are in need of your particular spin on life. Like people in the desert, dying of thirst. There’s a Zen parable about drinking from your own canteen before giving to another though (because what good are you to them if you die of thirst before you can help them) Just a thought.
Pisces: This week Pisces you will not do any of the following things: make an excuse, blame someone else, cry in a corner, have a panic attack, regret your life, want something you can’t have, convince yourself that you are OK when you are clearly not. Good lookin out for yourself! You’ve obviously taken my above diatribe to heart.
