An open letter from the cosmic Queen Be
Dear loyal Leos and crabby Cancers,
Everyone gets to have off days, right? Some of us more often than others. The universe has gifted upon us the free will to do whatever it is that we want, which always makes for an interesting debate team style argument about fate vs. free will. Of course, we are always free. But, sometimes we get these annoying things called “responsibilities,” which seem to infringe upon our freedom to not get out of bed in the morning. Don’t think I’m talking about writing these horoscopes, I mean it’s the highlight of my week. So after kicking back a couple of G&Ts (it’s noon somewhere) this sass-factory will tell you exactly what she thinks of you. And you will eat it up with a smile. Sorry sweethearts, but you gotta fight for your right to party.
In truth, it is not easy to be play a game of telephone every week with the universe. By the time the message travels down the pipe from the stars it usually has a purple-monkey-dishwasher tacked on. So in that light, I found this disclaimer that fits rather well:
Please note:
The translator will not produce a perfect translation. In most cases it should adequately convey the general sense of the original; however, it is not a substitute for a competent human translator.
Competent. Human. All I could ever hope to be. Besides hot and rich. I take my responsibilities seriously and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
[to read more tasty treats of horoscopic delight check out our newer,
lower in fat website: http://teenageangst.wordpress.com and you are
receiving this horoscope because I like you. Just ask to be removed
and continue navagating the safari of life with no tour guide if you so desire]
Here are your scopes for 2/5/07-2/12/07
Aries: We’ve all heard that old, tired saying “Money can’t buy you happiness.” And we both know that is damn wrong. Money can buy you a lot of things that make you happy. For short periods of time, anyway. Everytime I pony up 200 euros for a pair of shoes I wear once, I get a little anxious, but soon the feeling gives way to a euphoria that feels like the whole earth has wrapped it’s arms around me and kissed my feet. Aries, you know what I’m talking about, and this week you’ve got to spend money to make money. Or, you’ve got to give happiness to get it. On the flipside, your recent stinginess might be why you’ve been so unhappy… because you aren’t doling any happiness out (or, spending your own, as the metaphor would imply.)
Taurus: Well look who’s decided to show up to the astrological dinner party, but what’s this I spy with my third eye? Taurus, you ACTUALLY came to a shindig at MY place empty handed? How rude! You’re not making very many friends this week with that whole “I can take and take and take and never have to give back” attitude. In fact, it’s causing people who thought you were a swell kinda person to re-think their initial impression of you (except Virgo, who always thought you were the loose cannon type to begin with) Nevertheless, T, you’ve got to be aware that you are coming off in a pretty entitled way. For goodness sakes, buy your hostess something to show your appreciation.
Gemini: “You get what you get and you don’t get upset” is another way we used to say “shut your damn mouth and eat the grape ice you got” when dealing with 5 year olds. This does well to intimidate them into submission, because if you speak with authority 5 yr olds are dumb enough not to question why the universe giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other. Gem, you fell for this line once, and now you’ve been using it as an excuse not to try to get anything better than what just kinda drifts in your direction as you float aimlessly on the down river rapid of life. This week start paddling in any direction. It’s better to know you tried, even if the waterfall gets ya in the end.
Cancer: It’s no secret that your showboating ways have been grinding down the patience of all who are forced to listen to your latest song/poem/diatribe about how no one understands you or how your ex cheated on you (hello, why’d you start dating them again then, Cancer?) Ever the glutton for punishment, this week someone is going to tell you in no uncertain terms to put out or get out. And you may find yourself walking that lonely road once again, like a rhinestone cowboy/girl looking for the next set of moon-eyed fools who you haven’t convinced of your shining, internal glory yet. Take to the streets and recruit, Cancer.
Leo: This week you may find yourself out of your element. As in, you may be in a foreign country, trying desperately to find a place that doesn’t exist. As the brash locals keep repeating a word you don’t understand, until finally you look it up in your handy pocket dictionary and realize they’ve all been calling you a chump (or what is closely translated to insult your crude nature.) How unfortunate. What’s even worse is that you took to this new and unlikely route to try and expand your horizons. Well, don’t let a few rude people bring you down.
Virgo: Your life is currently operating on a different set of physics; the kind that usually constitutes a soap opera. To keep your existence churning along at this caliber, you must remember the three most important laws of this soap opera-esque dimension. 1) You never actually know for sure who your parents are. It’s best not to identify with any of the traits these supposed genetic links have passed to you. 2) If there is a sudden rampant problem (ie: a serial killer, vampires, a mafia cover-up in the warehouse where your brother’s first wife’s illegitimate son discovers that his amnesia has caused him to become a vampire serial killer) you should blame the last person who came to town and, 3) If someone suddenly “dies” but the body is never found, there’s a good chance they’ll be coming back, probably during contract renegotiations.
Libra: Life’s in love with you, Libra. For real. It’s like all of a damn sudden, everything has congealed like the perfect jello, smiling gleefully as it wobbles back and forth, affirming to you once again that things can often work out even better than you planned. And no, Libra I am not calling you fat with the whole jello thing, so chill. Let this be a lesson to you that although you think that some grand force is out to take you down, most of the universe doesn’t even know you exist, and the part that does really likes your paranoid ass. So you should be happy for whatever scraps of attention (positive or negative) that you do receive. Don’t thank me, Libs, you know I got ya.
Scorpio: Desire’s a bitch, and this week she’s got a crush on Scorpio. She may drive you to the outer highways of your sanity, and drop you on the side of the road with nothing but $20 in your pocket. You may wander for a long time in the desert, not quite sure where you want to end up, as people drive past you on horses with no names, mercilessly. What I mean to say, Scorpio, is that painted cakes do not satisfy hunger, unless you are Wayne Thiebaud and you paint cakes, which make you a lot of money, which you use to buy food and satisfy your hunger. You get it?
Sagittarius: What’s good for the captain is good for everyone, Sag. Unless the captain is drunk. Then, everyone may actually be in serious danger. In this case, the captain may have to be taken down, but then who will set the course of the ship? Prob the first mate. Sag, check to see who is at the wheel of your life. I hear it may be a drunken captain making poor decisions at the moment, because they are under an influence that is steering their better judgment and usual self-trust off course. What’s it about, Sag? If you don’t know, I sure don’t.
Capricorn: This weekend, I watched the famed movie Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and I must admit, I was confused by the plot. Ok I got that Liz Taylor was Maggie the Cat (although I didn’t really know why they called her that) and Paul Newman was pretty hot, so I was having trouble paying attention to anything else when he was in the shot. I’m almost positive that there was some underlying story about forgiveness and mortality, and some secret innuendos about a gay relationship between Paul Newman (hotttttt) and his friend Skipper (who was dead) but really, I don’t know. Cap, I’m relaying this to you because I think we’re in similar boats this week… of missing entirely the point of something rather old and probably important.
Aquarius: Oh Aquarius, have I got a present for you this week! Its sort of a b-day present, if you will. It’s some sort of life-altering breakthrough. Perhaps even an ancient grudge dropped entirely. Perhaps it is the realization of your innate talent to manipulate hoards of people. Either way it’s going to be the sort of winter fire-sale you need to push you in a direction that makes your friends and family wonder if you have joined a cult. Tell them that you would never do such an unthinkable, degrading thing, and that if you are ever living on a compound with 14 wives and a lifetime supply of kosher pickles, it’s because you masterminded the whole thing.
Pisces: This week, Pisces gets the chance to run their mouth off re: anything and everything that has been causing you discontent in the last few weeks. Yak yak yak, spit it all out if you will. Nobody cares. When you realize this, you will turn around and say it to yourself, P, in the mirror until you realize that every complaint you have about someone or something else is really about yourself. Damn, doesn’t that just suck? You realize that all the people you’ve talked shit about now know what you said about them. Oh wait for next week Pisces. I’ll see you right here on the playground at 11am, and we’ll see how tough you are.
